UGH!

WOW, Like a ton of bricks sadness has swept over me again.  I don't know why, I mean, I know WHY, but I don't know why now.  I've been going about my normal routine and all of a sudden I felt like I was punched in the stomach.  Tears came without warning and I just want to crawl in a hole.  Literally, just a few short hours ago I was happy, enjoying my children and, I don't know, maybe the reality of missing one of them set in.  I miss Elise so much.  I ache for her.  I can't wrap my head around her being gone for 2 years after never really even being here.
April and May are such hard months for me.  The events of those months in 2009 changed me forever.  I try to go on as if I'm OK, but I'm not, really, I'm just not.  Not right now anyway, but what can I do?  Life goes on.  I have 4 children here on earth with me that look to me to take care of them...to feed them, to take them shopping, keep them entertained, etc  I feel like a failure, I am barely able to do these things.  My grief cripples me more often than I care to admit during this time...almost daily...it makes me tired and grumpy and easily annoyed and frustrated and lazy.  Then there's the other life stuff that needs attention...bills, cleaning, laundry, phone calls, school work and so on.  I can't seem to get caught up on any of it and that only serves to deepen the depression I am feeling.  That's not to mention the demons I have to deal with everyday as I try to come to terms with my new "normal".  I don't want to deal with any of it, I want to just curl up in bed and have someone wake me when June arrives.
So, here I sit, hoping that writing it out will somehow get it out so that I can move forward...not on, just forward.  I feel as though I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders as I try to walk through quick sand this time of year, but alas, I've been through it before and I know that if I just keep going longer and harder, I will get to slightly more solid ground with slightly less weighing me down.

Reminds me of a song I posted to FaceBook in the summer of 2009:

Rodney Atkins, If You're Going Through Hell

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there.