17

Last year I didn't write. 

Life was fairly calm and ordinary. I was actually a little embarrassed that I forgot how old Elise would have been for a brief moment. Then I realized it was sweet sixteen and that hit hard. I was angry. There is nothing sweet about this, except maybe that beautiful face I got to see and hold for just those few hours. Looking past the bruises and dried blood to see my prefect little girl who never took a breath of air. I went on with my life, like just any other day. People noticed. I got the usual calls and texts that day and then the following days asking where my post was. I was honored people remembered, people cared. I was genuinely ok with not having written anything. 

This year, this post has been writing itself for about a month as it usually does. 

This year has been HARD. It has been heavy.

I've watched my kids lean into their faith more and more over the years and it's been inspiring. I'm slowly moving that way. Easter services this weekend hit home with all the talk of death and life after death and heaven and forgiveness and hope.  

My middle daughter got engaged last month. I can not be more excited for her and her future. This is the greatest blessing in our family in a long time. 

Outside of that, I've watched my aging parents struggle with health issues, I've watched my children struggle with their own internal issues that come with growing and evolving and I've battled my own health changes, my work load increase, and my "mom" role decrease. 

While my children are all pretty much grown, they are still navigating a pretty tough world and my heart aches for their struggles while at the same time beams with pride at their strength and perseverance. They still come to me for advice or to vent, but for the most part have a great support system around them outside of me. They have partners and their church family and friends. Mom is just there in the background. 

My older daughters moved away for college over the years, and while their leaving was difficult, there were more children home behind them. I still miss them, but it's normal for them not to be here day to day, and I still talk to them pretty regularly. My son did not go away to college, but he is so involved in work, sports, church and friends he's almost never home. He certainly doesn't need his mommy the way he used to. 

Then there is my youngest, my rainbow baby. Her sweet sixteen had me reeling long before her actual birthday. I've watched her grow into the beautiful, smart, funny, caring young lady she is almost overnight. We've spent more time than ever together over the last year and, while tiring, it has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Granted, she really only needs me for a ride and chic fil a money, but our conversations on those rides are priceless. She's starting her first job soon and in only a few months will have her license. I feel safe in knowing I've given her the tools to be a successful young adult and that she is ready and capable to go out into the world without me. It won't be long until our relationship turns into mostly texts and phone calls instead of in person communication. I am excited for her and her future, as I was and still am for her siblings. 

All this has left me at a crossroads in my life again. I find myself trying to find myself. 17 years ago when both my roles as wife and mother were pulled out from under me at the same time I didn't think I'd make it. I poured myself into being strong and trying to be the best mom I could to all my children. Honestly, I'm tired of being strong. Now that my mom role is becoming less and less demanding and the closer I get to being forced into whoever I'm supposed to be for the rest of my life, the scarier it all becomes. I will always be their mom. They will always need me. I thank God everyday that I know that they know they can ALWAYS come to me (and they do) They are all (5) my greatest blessings, my greatest accomplishments, my greatest joy, and will always be part of my heart existing outside my body, no matter who I become in this next chapter of my life. I wouldn't change it for anything. 

2025 

                                  2026