Dear Santa

Dear Santa.....
I wrote to you as a child,
and you fulfilled my every wish.
I was wondering now,
If I could add to that list.

You see I lost my Baby to Heaven,
So you don't have to stop for her this year.
But could you add a few more stops,
for Friends that I hold so dear.

Santa they don't ask for much,
but they hurt so bad inside.
Could you find a way to lift their hearts,
during this Christmas Yule-tide.

There will be no comfort for them,
as they nestle in their beds,
no dreams of sugar plums,
dancing in their heads.

Just dreams of their lost Babies,
and memory's they hold so dear,
So Santa could you grant them,
strength for the coming year..... ♥

Author Unknown

Merry Christmas to all the babies in Heaven
And peace to those who love and miss them.

A Bereaved Parent's Christmas

'Twas the month before Christmas and I dreaded the days, 

I knew I was facing  the holiday craze. 

The stores were all filled with holiday lights, 

In hopes of drawing customers by day and by night. 

As others were making their holiday plans, 

My heart was breaking - I couldn't understand. 

I had lost my dear child a few years before, 

And I knew what my holiday had in store. 

When out of nowhere, there arose such a sound, 

I sprang to my feet and was looking around, 

Away to the window I flew like a flash, 

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash 

The sight that I saw took my breath away, 

And my tears turned to smiles in the light of the day. 

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, 

But a cluster of butterflies fluttering near. 

With beauty and grace they performed a dance, 

I knew in a moment this wasn't by chance. 

The hope that they gave me was a sign from above, 

That my child was still near me and that I was loved. 

The message they brought was my holiday gift, 

And I cried when I saw them in spite of myself. 

As I knelt closer to get a better view, 

One allowed me to pet it - as if it knew - 

I needed the touch of its fragile wings, 

To help me get through the holiday scene. 

In the days that followed I carried the thought, 

Of the message the butterflies left in my heart - 

That no matter what happens or what days lie ahead, 

Our children are with us - they're not really dead. 

Yes, the message of the butterflies still rings in my ears, 

A message of hope - a message so dear. 

And I imagined they sang as they flew out of sight, 

"To all bereaved parents - We love you tonight!"

Author Unknown

I don't want to upset anyone, but

I've been seeing a lot of people arriving at the end of their pregnancies lately.  Naturally they are excited and uncomfortable.  The end of pregnancy complaining doesn't really bother me. I know for a lot of BLMs it does bother them and that's ok, but for me, I understand the feeling of being done and ready to move on to the next chapter.  What does bother me is the fact that so many people fail to realize (or at least acknowledge) that the next chapter may not be what you are expecting.

I keep seeing all the ticker updates of babies who are 35, 36, 37 weeks and reading mom's plans and excitement, which is great, I am happy for them, but at the same time I want to shake them (or post on their FB wall at least) IMAGINE YOUR BABY DIEING TODAY!  Imagine going into labor thinking now is the time to meet this new little person only to wind up holding a lifeless body and leaving the hospital empty handed.  What a horrible thought, who would ever want to think that for even a second...but maybe if they did, they would have just an ounce of compassion and empathy for what happened to me...I mean REAL compassion and empathy, the kind where your heart hurts.  It's almost impossible to fully comprehend the tragedy of losing a baby if you have not experienced it.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but this is the closest way another person could "feel my pain" without actually experiencing it...then maybe people wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it.

Don't get me wrong, I am so very fortunate to have so many wonderful friends who support me, but there seem to be some who just don't get it.  It is these people I want to message and ask them to imagine my situation for a second, but alas, it probably isn't proper and I would just look like more of a nut.  BUT, my hope in posting this is that if another BLM were to come across this having had this same feeling, she will know she isn't alone and she isn't crazy.  I mean after all, that's a lot of what this blog is here for.

In Hope and Healing,
Kelly

Elise's Honor Event Pictures

The photographer (J Thomas Photography) who not only attended and took pictures for free, but also OFFERED (it didn't even occur to me to contact someone to take pictures at the event) AND donated a portrait session has posted the photos taken at the event HERE.  You do need to "sign in" by providing an e-mail address, but I've never gotten any spam (or any e-mail for that matter) from them, so have no fear and check them out!

Reflections of Oct 15

The day has come and gone.  I want to share the event, but first I want to explain how it came to be.
It's funny how the brain (heart?) is able to remember such things.  I would have to think long and hard about what I did last Wednesday, but I can tell you exactly what I was doing on Oct 15 2009, 2010 and 2011.  I realize it is a "holiday" (for lack of a better term) for me now, but I'm not even sure I could recall Christmas 2010 without much thought and focus.  I guess Elise is lucky in that she gets to have 2 dates special for her.
October 15, 2009 was a Thursday.  I was new to the whole "baby loss" thing and wanted to light a candle for the Wave of Light at 7 pm, but I was alone in my car, driving to Ocean City for the teachers convention.  I remember driving down Rt 113 when I looked at the clock and saw it was a few minutes past 7.  I thought about Elise and even "talked" to her for a bit, but that was it.
October 15, 2010 was a Friday.  This year my entire family was in Ocean City with me (I was nursing a newborn).  I wasn't exactly prepared for the Wave of Light, but I made sure we were at the house at 7 to light a candle.  I found a little flip flop candle holder with a tea light in it and we sat it in the middle of the kitchen table.  We all sat at the table and talked about Elise and other babies that were in heaven.  I think we then went out for Ice Cream.  I remember thinking to myself that it just wasn't enough.  It didn't seem right that we just lit our own candle and remembered alone.  It was that night that I realized Oct 15, 2011 was going to be a Saturday and I wasn't going to let it pass so quietly!  I knew right then and there that I wanted to do something "big" for everyone to share in and be educated about.
I had a picture in my mind of a "bull roast" where people would come together to light candles and remember.  After arriving home from the beach, I was soon bombarded with Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I had to put my plan on the back burner til after the new year.  Once January hit, I began researching how to go about hosting this bull roast.  I knew that it would inevitably make money and I had to have somewhere for that money to go.  I scanned several websites looking for exactly who I wanted to raise the money for.  There are actually a lot of baby loss nonprofits out there.  Most of them are small and I considered a few to help them grow and make a real difference.  While on one website, I actually found a fundraising how to booklet download and I felt like I struck gold!  I really had no idea what I was doing or how to go about doing it, I just knew what I WANTED to do!
I went back to the homepage of the organization with the booklet and had to do a double take when I saw that their address was in Reisterstown, Maryland!  I knew this was the organization I wanted to raise money for! In March I contacted First Candle and began the planning for Elise's Honor Pregnancy Loss Remembrance and Awareness Event!  By April I had the location booked, May brought the flyer and the DJ, and June started the fundraising.  So many hours were spent finding the contact info for companies, e-mailing people, writing sponsorship letters, mailing letters and dropping off letters at local businesses.

I received a lot of rejections.  It was hard not to take it personally.  Every response that was "unable to help" was like a punch in the stomach.  Of course I understand the economy is tough and many places get an overwhelming number of requests, but really, what’s a $20 gift certificate going to set you back?  I was glad to at least get the response.  Many (MANY) places just didn’t even bother to respond.  At least a few places seemed to have read my request.  It took the sting out of rejection some when they offered condolences.  I mean part of my reason for doing this was to educate people, so at least I know if they read my request they probably learned something.  I will say that there is one company in particular who I feel let down by…I have spent literally HUNDREDS of dollars there and well, won’t be spending any more.

When all was said and done, I had almost 50 raffle baskets each worth about $100 each from donations.  Raffle ticket and 50/50 ticket sales were over $1000 the night of the event.  Personal donations and corporate cash donations equaled almost $1000.  Admission tickets were pretty much what the venue cost, so no money was made there.  I didn’t spend much on items for the event (candles, raffle tickets, stuff for the kids, etc) so all in all, I believe First Candle will receive about $1700 from the event. 

It felt almost like planning a wedding.  Months and months of preparations and preparing, sleepless nights, anticipation and then in a flash it was all over.  It happened so quickly I barely remember it!

Of course, my children knew we were having an event for Elise.  When we arrived at the restaurant and went inside to set up, my four year old son (who was barely 2 when Elise died) looked around and asked, “Where’s Elise?”  I swear these children keep me on my toes.  I stopped what I was doing and sat down with him to explain that Elise wasn’t there; she was in Heaven, where she will always be.  The evening was about remembering and celebrating that she was once here, on Earth with us, in my belly.  I’m still not sure he understands.  I am pretty sure he thinks Elise somehow turned into Ella, I mean they both were in my belly and only Ella came out.

I couldn’t have asked for a better evening.  It was a little cool out, but not cold, not raining so we were able to use the balcony at the restaurant.  About 70 people came out that night; over 50 adults and almost 20 children.  The food was delicious (and we didn’t run out!)  There was a lot of conversation and I believe everyone had a good time.

I am waiting on the photographer to upload the photos he took at the event.  When he does I will update, but this is the link if you would like to sign up to be notified when the pictures are uploaded.  Here are a few that I took with my camera of the candles that were lit for the “Wave of Light” from 7-8.

Scentsy Fundraiser...1 week only!

25% of anything purchased from this link before Sept 30 goes back to Elise's Honor Event on Oct. 15.
If you have never heard of scentsy , they are a safe, wickless alternative to scented candles.  They are decorative warmers designed to melt scented wax with the heat of a light bulb instead of a traditional wick and flame.  The wax only gets as hot as body temperature and there is no fire.  Not to mention they smell super yummy!  Check it out!

Ticket Liquidator Donation

I've posted before about all the mail I have been receiving as donations to Elise's Event.  Each and every one means the world to me...that someone somewhere read Elise's story and took the time to send me a product of some sort to help raise money for Elise's Memorial Fund at First Candle.  TicketLiquidator in particular touched my heart.  It wasn't the donation item or amount, it was the presentation.  Similar to the warm fuzzy feeling I got when I saw the postcard from the Raven's addressed to Elise, this one brought tears to my eyes.   Someone took the time to not only check out my blog, but to copy Elise's picture and First Candle's logo to include on the certificate.  It is simply stunning...don't you agree?  :)

In addition to the certificate, they also sent a pile of coupons to use on their site...check 'em out at TicketLiquidator.com

I Can Teach My Child

One of my favorite educational (as opposed to baby loss) blogs is by a woman named Jenae, she reminds me a lot of myself and has pretty much created the blog I always envisioned of creating.  I mostly follow it on FaceBook, but once in a while I get some time to actually go read the blog posts and I am always inspired.  When I read that she was going to be starting a series of guest posts titled "Finding Triumph in the Midst of Tragedy"  I just knew I had to share my story...HERE it is!  
Thank you Jenae for allowing me to share my story with your readers and for such an all around amazing educational blog!

Oct 15 @ MacGregor's Restaurant

Food Includes:

Crab Balls, Chicken Tenders, Meatballs, Vegetable Egg Rolls, Spinach Ryeloaf, Brushetta, Cheese Display, Fresh Vegetable Display, Pirates Booty, Desserts, Coffee, Iced Tea, and Soda.

There will be a cash bar for alcohol.

Raising Awareness

In keeping with the first part of my mission for Elise's Honor Family Event, I want to educate people about stillbirth.  If you have made it to my site, than I have already raised your awareness, but that is not enough.  If you know me personally then you have seen first hand how this tragedy impacts people, but if you don't know me, it is still sort of an enigma...something that only happens to other people.  I think the hardest part for me is that most of the time I am "ok" so it probably looks from the outside that "I am over it"  or maybe people think I am "dwelling" on it, but if you truly take a minute to step back and think about it, I think it is easy to see that none of this is true.  Far too often I hear "I can't imagine" and I think the truth of the matter is people don't WANT to imagine.  Who would want to think about their baby dying?  I'm not suggesting you do, I'm just suggesting you really think about what it must be like to live nearly 9 months, growing, creating, protecting, loving, planning a new life inside of you only to have it taken away in an instant.  So, what about miscarriage, those who experience a miscarriage only "knew" their baby for a few weeks...LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, you only need to know for a second that you are pregnant with a baby for your ENTIRE life to change....your daily routines, your plans for the future, your hopes, your dreams, and again all are shattered without warning and there is usually ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do about it.  It is completely devastating.
But, I digress... :)
Here are some facts about stillbirth:

• Stillbirth is defined as the death of a baby at 20 weeks of pregnancy or greater in the United States (other countries use different ages...The World Health Organization defines a stillbirth as the death of a baby after 22 completed weeks of pregnancy, or when the baby weighs at least 500 grams)
• Babies die in the womb for many reasons, Stillbirth is NOT a cause of death. It is a description of when a baby dies. Rarely are these deaths caused by something a woman did or did not do. 
• According to the most recent statistics available, the United States has one of the highest infant mortality rates in the world (the highest for Industrialized countries). 
•  More than 26,000 babies are stillborn every year, with more than half occurring during the last trimester of pregnancy(some statistics say as many as 30,000 babies are stillborn a year in the United States, but there is a lack of consistent standards of stillbirth reporting resulting in the dscrepency.)
• 4.5 million stillbirths occur each year worldwide according to the World Health Organization (WHO)  12,000 women worldwide deliver a stillborn baby each day.
• Approximately 1 out of every 115-160 (depending on statistics) deliveries in the United States ends in stillbirth.   
• Anywhere from 70-90 babies are born still each day in the United States.
• There are no identifiable risk factors for stillbirth and they cut across all socio-economic classes, races, religions, body types and maternal age groups.  They are completely unpredictable.
• Most babies lost during pregnancy are completely healthy. 
• Only 28 states offer a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth.  It usually takes YEARS of campaigning to get a bill passed for this.   Maryland was the 5th state to offer CBRS
• Another 500,000 are lost to miscarriage (death of an infant in-utero before 20 gestational weeks) each year.   
• 1 in 4 women will be affected by pregnancy loss