Christmas Preparations

We decorated our tree tonight.  Each of the kids have their own ornaments and they put their own up as well as some of mine (my grandmother used to make us ornaments every year, so I have a TON!) and some "family" ones also.  Even Ella was able to participate this year.  She is only 2, so she only has a few ornaments of her own, but there were plenty for her to put on.

Elise would be 3, she should be putting her own ornaments on.  Instead it is up to one of us to do it.  

This is an ornament I received from the hospital where she was born at their 

October 15 Celebration in 2009.  I wrote her name on it

 

I had this ornament made with her birth stats.  Every baby needs one of these!  

This one is of an angel on a cloud. 

 

 We all have balls with our names and birth year on them...

 

This is our family ornament...

  

Of course she has a stocking also.  Her's contains a book about Angels and 

letters that I write to her every year.

The holidays are always so bittersweet.  I find myself enjoying them more and more each year, which often times turns into guilt, that I'm not missing her enough, but I know that is all in my head.  I miss her every single day.  There are points in time that the grief is overwhelming and then there are times when her memory brings me great pride and happiness.  But I think it is those moments when I catch myself enjoying something, like decorating the tree, and am not actively thinking of her until something reminds me that it hits me hard.
If I've learned nothing else over the last 3 years, it is to allow myself to feel what I do without judgement.  This journey I am on is mine alone.  Others have walked a similar path and can relate, others have not and can not.  Many walk beside me with love and support, but in the end, it is all on me and I must allow the emotions that come to do so without interference and move through them.  I am learning each day how to embrace some of them and let go of others, but it is still something I struggle with.

I started writing this the night we did it, obviously, but the words were not coming, so I had to put it aside for a while (as I do with many posts, unfortunately)  During this time I had our Christmas Cards made and I thought I'd share that with you as well...

The top middle is a picture of the marker in the yard with Elise's name and date beside the tree we planted for her.  The bottom right was taken this October 15 when we lit a candle for Elise and the "Wave of Light".  I also include her name on anything I give/send from the family.  As I've said before, she was, is, and always will be a member of our family!