But nothing happened...

Yesterday was a hard day for me.  I broke down and sobbed for the first time in a long time.  But nothing happened.  There wasn't an "event" that took place that reminded me of Elise or that I wish she was here for.  It was a completely normal day, but just out of nowhere, all of a sudden, I couldn't contain myself.  I have been thinking about Elise a lot lately, working on her Birthday Bingo, which I can't believe I haven't written about on here yet...that is now high on my priority list.  I spent the morning doing some things for the Bingo, playing with Ella, catching up on Facebook and so on.  Ella had been sick with a fever (double ear infection it turns out) for the last week and this morning she actually climbed up on my lap and feel asleep at 11:30 am.  I enjoyed the snuggle time for a bit then put her in her bed.  I decided to get online and work some more on the Bingo and goofing off elsewhere.  There was a post from a gal, I have no idea who she is or where she is, I am just a fan of her page offering to do a pencil portrait of loved ones that had passed.   I pulled up Elise's pictures and sent her one.   The thought of having something "new" of Elise is always bittersweet.  I am continually amazed and humbled by the number of people out there who offer to do such things for others.  Often, they have had a loss themselves and can relate in their own way to how I and others long for anything to honor our loved one.  I'm sure looking through her pictures stirred up emotions I didn't realize at the time.  I love seeing her, but at the same time I am sad to only have the same handful of pictures of her.  I'm sad that I can't share her "real" pictures because of how "beat up" she looked.  I'm sad she died.  I'm sad that there are people out there who judge me for how I deal with my grief.  I'm sad there are people out there who can relate to my grief.  But then, I'm happy there are so many out there who support me the best way they know how.  I'm happy I get to write this blog and try to help others who may be feeling the same way.  I'm happy to have my very own angel.  I'm happy to know I will see her again one day.  I'm happy that I have 4 amazing children here on earth with me everyday.  It's quite the conundrum!  Anyway, very seldom does my grief get the best of me, but sometimes it does.  And that's OK.  I am OK with it.  I deal with it and move through it and go on the best way I know how...