Elise's Honor Event Update!

Here is the page with all the details of the Event

The link to buy tickets has been up and running for a while now.  I also now have the paper tickets to be given if you would like one (It is not necessary as I have a list of who purchased tickets, but I know some people like to have something tangible!)  Please remember that prices will increase by $5 for adults on Oct. 3 and will only be sold until Oct 6!


Click here to purchase tickets!

I have been so busy working so hard on getting this moving.  It is A LOT of work and has kept me very busy, but I just know in the end it will be worth it!  I am very excited to help bring awareness to the community and togetherness to bereaved families.  October 15 will be a wonderful night for those touched by pregnancy loss!  I have talked to soooo many people and sent sooo many e-mails!  I am getting your story out there, baby girl!  Even if no one donates or attends, your life will educate tons of folks!

I want to give a quick update and shout outs to those who have supported us so far...

Premier Beacon Sponsors:

MacGregors Restaurant

Pro Productions DJ

JThomas Photography

Guiding Light Sponsors

Stampin Up!

Guidecraft

All American Fun Center

Shining Light Sponsors

Elisabeth Airey 
The Arena Club

Charles Engineering Co., Inc. 
Tiny Tillia with Shannon Malagar 
My Gym Bel Air 
Gerry Outten 
Jennifer Fitze with Keller Williams Reality

 

Additional Sponsors
Katrina Webb

Project BEAR Inc. (Dola Spering)

Chuck E Cheese Bel Air

Kids First Swim Forest Hill

4 Paws Spa

MinuteMan Press

Bruce Bitners

MD Science Center

Jamie Newson

Tina Bauer

Ginny Williams (They Were Stillborn:  Personal Stories About Stillbirth)
American Visionary Art Museum
Imagination Movers
Laurie Berkner Band
Robert Munsch
Great Clips Forest Hill
Scott and Marisol Outten

Amanda McGraw
Panera Bread
Lorraine Ash (Life Touches Life: A Mother's Story of Stillbirth and Healing)
31 with Stacy Parlett
BJ's Wholesale Club
Klein's/ShopRite Grocery Stores
FUNdamentals
Story People
JRs Original Place for Ribs, Ocean City, MD
Spirit Cruises
Center Stage
Stephanie Cole (Still.  Sweet Pea Project)
Merchant's Tire Bel Air
Applebee's
Build-A-Bear Workshop
Jump On It Family Fun Center
Broom's Bloom Dairy
University of Maryland
MaryBeth Nance (The Delta Doula)
Port Discovery Children's Museum
Churchville Golf and Baseball
Louisa McCants
Bengies Drive-In Theatre
Sight and Sound Theaters
The Maryland Zoo in Baltimore
Outback Steakhouse of Bel Air
Flavor Cupcakery
Adventure Aquarium
Noodles and Company White Marsh
Looney's Pub North
Bel Air Bakery
Let's Dish Baltimore
Bel Air La-Z-Boy
Ski Roundtop
Michelle Myers Walters (I Didn't Miscarry Her...She Died.)
Baltimore Symphony Orchestra
Mars Supermarkets
Cracker Barrel
DC United
Kodak Company
Pink Calyx Jewlery
Ticket Liquidators
Whitetail Resort
Dutch Wonderland
Canvas on Demand
Watermark Baltimore Harbor Cruises
Parkville Bowling Lanes
Laura Knapp
Courtland Hardware
Lullaby Kisses
Gerrie Woods
Knack for Crafts
Silver Spring Mining Company
Baltimore Orioles
National Aquarium
Wheel of Fortune
Jess Sparwasser 
Washington Capitals
Kristin Smith
Safeway
Kiddie Crusoe
Sherokee Ilse (Empty Arms and Couple Communication After a Baby Dies)
Wild 8 Designs
Liberty Mountain
Christmas Tree Shops/Bed Bath & Beyond
Baltimore Ravens
Goetz Candy Company
Sherwin Williams North East, MD
Pirate Brands Snacks
Fallston Walmart
Tastefully Simple with Jackie McDonald
Maryland State Police
Ouback Canton
Red Lobster Bel Air
Weis Markets


Supporters
Danielle Lowry Suit
Steven Suit
Christy Larkin
Kristi Schwartz
Laura McJilton
Stacy Parlett
Donna Logan

Thank you so much to you all!!!

I am still waiting to hear back and/or receive items from others and will list them next time I update.

If you would like to donate, click here or contact me.

If you would like to help with fundraising efforts for the event by contacting local businesses (your boss, places you frequent, etc) please let me know.  I have a donation letter that you can give out explaining the event and the sponsorship levels available.  First Candle will provide a tax letter for all donations. 

Updated 10/12/11

You're Invited!!!

I am so excited to announce the details for

Elise’s Honor

Raising Awareness and Remembering Babies lost during Pregnancy
through Miscarriage or Stillbirth
Family Event

Saturday, October 15, 2011
530-830 pm

MacGregor’s Restaurant
331 St. John Street, Havre de Grave

Tickets (before Oct 1)
$30 adults, $15 children under 10, Under 3 FREE
Adult ticket prices will increase by $5 in October
Tickets will only be on sale until Oct 7

Food, Drinks, Dessert, Cash Bar,
DJ, Raffles, Auctions, Entertainment
Candle for Wave of Light Ceremony/Presentation

For more information contact
ElisesHonor@yahoo.com

Proceeds Benefit First Candle, Baltimore MD


Tickets are available to purchase online with a credit card through First Candle's website.
Click HERE!
They can also be purchased from me with cash or check.

Every adult ticket purchased has the option of naming a candle 

in honor of a baby lost in pregnancy for the wave of light ceremony. 

If you are unable to attend, but would still like to participate, 

Donations can be made here:
https://www.z2systems.com/np/clients/fc/donation.jsp?campaign=291
For a $10 donation, you can also name a candle to be lit at the event.

Another way to become involved is to help this event gain sponsors 

and collect monetary and tangible donations to be used during the event

for raffles and giveaways.

If you, your business or someone you know would like to support this cause, 

please let me know! 

All donations are tax deductible!

If you are unaware of the significance of October 15th, you can find more information here

My Links

On the right of this page is a section called "My Links"  They are all about Elise...her pregnancy journal, her obituary, the montages I've made for her, some of the "goodies" that have been made for her, etc.
Check them out if you get a chance :)

Mother's Day...from a mother of 5!

So, I know I joke a lot about these kids driving me crazy and wanting to hide from them and while I do mean it, lol, I am truly and deeply honored to be their mother.  I feel so blessed to have the children that I have and for all the ways they have shaped my life.
First there was Emily...a much wanted pregnancy at age 18 that then rocked my teenage self into a new reality.  She was supposed to "save" our relationship...fix it, or so her father and I thought, but alas that wasn't the case.  We were not meant to be...but Emily sure was!  It was because of her I grew up.  A single mom at 18 living in my mother's basement going to college full time in the fall and spring, then working full time in the summer and winter.  By 20, we were on our own.  Living alone in a pretty crappy apartment, but it was all mine.  I paid for it and took care of it, all on my own.  Just like I did my 1 year old little girl.  Again, while going to school and working.  This time I changed my major to my passion, children...teaching children.  Emily showed me how much I loved little people.  Emily taught me discipline and perseverance and selflessness.  She taught me love and patience and caring.  By the time she turned 6, I had finally finished college and earned my bachelor's degree.  I don't know that I would have done that had she not been born.
Then there was Autumn.  If you know Autumn then you know that she can sure teach you a lot!  She was a tough baby, but I loved every minute of it (well, after the first few months anyway).  She represented the life I had always dreamed of.  I was married, teaching, living in a home we just built and now having my second child.
Everything was going so smoothly, so we thought we'd add to the mix.  I was loving life as a stay at home mom, and I wanted more children to stay home with.  Andrew was the perfect addition.  He brought a sense of balance to the family and tossed some testosterone into such an estrogen filled house!  Of course it did take him almost 3 years to realize that he was in fact a boy.
Shortly after he turned 1, we pushed our luck, by trying for a fourth baby.  Who knew I'd again get pregnant on the first try!  I felt like I could conquer the world.  I already had 3 amazing children, a fourth on the way, and so close to getting my master's degree I could taste it!  Life was moving along perfectly.  Of course it wasn't moving smoothly as times were often tough juggling so much, but it was heading in the right direction and the future looked promising!
I'm sure anyone reading this knows how quickly and forcefully it all crashed in front of my face.  Elise's death affected me so deeply.  It changed me.  I know I will come out a better person for it, but that is still a work in progress.  I am truly thankful for my sweet little angel.  She, too, has taught me so much, given me so much.  I have met some amazing people I never would have come in contact with if it wasn't for her.  I could go on and on for days about all that she has done for me, but that isn't my purpose here.  I have her blog for sharing that.
Finally there's Ella.  Ella was (is) absolutely a gift from God (and Elise)  I feel that she was sent here to slow my life down.  It was spiraling downward and out of control quickly in the summer of 2009 when I found out she was coming.  She too, forced me to stop thinking about myself and focus again on my children.  I needed to get myself together, for these beings that I brought into this world.  She continues to show me everyday why I was put on this earth.
It's funny, my E's and A's, both "sets" of children go together.  Emily, Elise, and Ella really made a noticeable impact on the course of my life, while Autumn and Andrew gave fulfillment and simplicity.  I could not imagine a day without any of them in it.  They most definitely  fit the saying that having a child is to forever have your heart live outside your body.  I love each and every one of my children with every fiber of my being and together, all those fibers make me one strong ass mama!!!

Onto my story about Emily that inspired this long winded, sappy note...

Traveling home from visiting my in-laws in New Jersey for Mother's Day, we decided to stop and eat at Denny's.  Our waitress was pretty new to the job and also a new mommy.  She was very friendly and attentive to the kids.  There was a slight mix up in my food order which was simply a miscommunication on both of our parts, but her boss was less than nice about it to her.  Anyway, we paid our bill and left.  As we got to our van, Emily handed me the tip money I left on the table and said that "she got it".  I was touched that she did that, but almost in tears when I heard the rest of the story...
I asked where she got money to leave a tip and she said that her grandmother gave her some before we left New Jersey.  TWICE as much as I had left as a tip originally!  Emily's response, "she was nice, mom"  I love that girl!  She has such a good heart and I couldn't be more proud to be her mommy.  She made my mother's day, and it wasn't even an effort on her part, just her being her

UGH!

WOW, Like a ton of bricks sadness has swept over me again.  I don't know why, I mean, I know WHY, but I don't know why now.  I've been going about my normal routine and all of a sudden I felt like I was punched in the stomach.  Tears came without warning and I just want to crawl in a hole.  Literally, just a few short hours ago I was happy, enjoying my children and, I don't know, maybe the reality of missing one of them set in.  I miss Elise so much.  I ache for her.  I can't wrap my head around her being gone for 2 years after never really even being here.
April and May are such hard months for me.  The events of those months in 2009 changed me forever.  I try to go on as if I'm OK, but I'm not, really, I'm just not.  Not right now anyway, but what can I do?  Life goes on.  I have 4 children here on earth with me that look to me to take care of them...to feed them, to take them shopping, keep them entertained, etc  I feel like a failure, I am barely able to do these things.  My grief cripples me more often than I care to admit during this time...almost daily...it makes me tired and grumpy and easily annoyed and frustrated and lazy.  Then there's the other life stuff that needs attention...bills, cleaning, laundry, phone calls, school work and so on.  I can't seem to get caught up on any of it and that only serves to deepen the depression I am feeling.  That's not to mention the demons I have to deal with everyday as I try to come to terms with my new "normal".  I don't want to deal with any of it, I want to just curl up in bed and have someone wake me when June arrives.
So, here I sit, hoping that writing it out will somehow get it out so that I can move forward...not on, just forward.  I feel as though I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders as I try to walk through quick sand this time of year, but alas, I've been through it before and I know that if I just keep going longer and harder, I will get to slightly more solid ground with slightly less weighing me down.

Reminds me of a song I posted to FaceBook in the summer of 2009:

Rodney Atkins, If You're Going Through Hell

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there.

Butterflies and raindrops!

For centuries, the world has latched on to the image of the butterfly, using its metamorphosis from a caterpillar as a metaphor for death and rebirth. In brighter terms, it means "Don't worry, be at peace, the great circle of life continues on."

The butterfly exists in four distinct forms.  Some argue that people do as well:  The fertilized egg is planted in our mother's womb.  From our day of birth we are like the caterpillar which can only eat and creep along.  At death we are like the dormant pupa in its chrysalis.  After that, our consciousness emerges from the cast off body, and some see in this the emergence of the butterfly.  Therefore, the butterfly is symbolic of rebirth after death.  

In many countries the soul was represented by a butterfly leaving the body at the time of death.

To Christians, the three stages of the butterfly's metamorphoses are symbolic of the three stages in the life cycle of Christ and the Christian. The caterpillar's non-stop eating and excremating reminds us of normal earthly life where people are often preoccupied with taking care of their physical needs. The chrysalis or cocoon resembles the tomb and the butterfly represents the resurrection into a new and glorious life free of material concerns and restrictions.

Another reassuring fact of butterflies in relation to the death of a loved one is that butterflies do not decay or rot.  Their beautiful colors, if kept dry can remain for many decades.

No matter how it is reached, the butterfly is a symbol of change for the better.

"How does one become a butterfly?", Pooh asked pensively.

"You must want to fly. So much that you're willing to give up being a caterpillar", Piglet replied.

"You mean die?" asked Pooh.

"Yes and no" he answered. "What looks like you die. But really, you live on" 


 

Many years ago (5 or so), my oldest daughter made this butterfly magnet craft for me for mother's day.  It has hung on the side of my refrigerator since without incident.  On April 6, as I was putting something away near there, it fell.  I was so incredibly overcome with happiness at the thought of my sweet Elise sending me a sign.   

Last year, on Elise's first Angelversary I ordered live butterflies and released them with friends and family around the tree that we planted in her honor in our yard.  This year, I ordered a kit from Amazon and "grew" my own.  It was really neat to see these tiny caterpillars grow larger and larger and then become chrysalises before emerging as caterpillars.  I watched them everyday, several times a day.  On April 5, the day before Elise's Angelversary, I saw that 2 butterflies had in fact emerged.  What a glorious sign it was.  By the next day, April 6, all 5 had emerged!

 

I wanted to enjoy the butterflies in our home for a bit and then release them.

Finally, On Monday, April 11 the weather was warm and dry enough to do so.

We took the net to Elise's tree again and each child got to hold and release a butterfly.

 

This was written by my 14 year old the night after we let the butterflies go:

Call me crazy..

So, Elise, I'm sitting on my roof talking to you last night right? Which has become an unusual but nonetheless weekly thing for me. I'm feeling pretty frustrated because I never got to hold you or see you or know you. I start questioning your very existence, which i know is wrong, being your sister and everything. But I couldn't help it. And contrary to my beliefs, I ask you for a sign, some kind of indication that you're there, and listening to me, and that I'm not as psychotic as I feel. Please, I ask, just something to let me know you're there and you're okay. I sit for 5 seconds, just waiting. And what happens? It starts raining, it took me a minute to realize, but it was a steady little rain. I thought maybe it was just me, imagining things, but I feel 3 little raindrops on the back of my hand, like tear drops falling from the sky. And as soon as I realize what is happening, it stops. As abruptly as it started, it ended. Some may say its coincidence, others might say I'm just imagining things. But Elise, I know it was you, and I can now sit in peace knowing you're really up there and watching over me. Thank you for a little magic, a little hope, and a lot of faith.

                                                                I Love You Baby Sister<3

How are you?

I've heard that so much recently, with Elise's Angelversary passing.
I know it is asked with good intentions.
Sometimes just as a pleasantry in conversation, sometimes with pure intent to really know how I'm doing...but how does one answer that?
I've always wondered the correct way to respond, even more so in the last 2 years.
Do I give the ole' "I'm fine" or "Not too bad" or do I really tell the truth?
"Right this minute?  I'm about to burst into tears."
"Just trying to find a way to live without my daughter."
"Wishing I was going to wake up from this nightmare sometime soon"
"Suicidal" (that one is a whole different entry that I have already started writing...luckily it isn't how I've felt in quite a while)

It's funny how things happen when they do.  I started this post a few days ago (along with about 4 others), but didn't "publish" it.  No real reason, just felt it wasn't "done"  Then today, floating around Facebook on some of the many Angel Mommy pages I belong to, was this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btHzZFUMPDY

Now, I think my post is done and ready to be published...

or not...

less than 24 hours after publishing this, I came across this:

My mom, she tells a lot of lies
She never did before.
From now until the day she dies
She’ll tell a whole lot more.

She used to tell the truth a lot
But now it doesn’t matter.
I died and went to Heaven
Her life is all a shatter.

Ask my mom how she is
She’ll say, “Yes I’m fine!”
If that’s the truth then tell me
Why does she cry each night?

Ask my mom how she is
She seems to cope so well
She didn’t have a choice you see
Nor the strength to yell.

You think you know the feeling
But this cannot be
For even though you love me
You don’t as much as she.

She will smile and say,
“It’s okay, God has a plan”
But she will turn away and cry 
‘Cause she just can’t understand.

Tell a joke and she will laugh
But she is not okay
She wants to share a joke with me
But it will not be today.

I watch from here in Heaven
Her distress disturbs my peace
Will someone take care of her
Thus take care of me.

Someday she will feel better
“Yes I will” she lies
She knows this will not happen
Until the day she dies.

Ask my mom how she is
She’ll say “Thank you, good”,
She cannot tell how she is
Oh, how I wish she could.

Ask my mom how she is
“I’m well, I’m good and you?”
I’ll shake my head in heaven
It simply isn’t true.

She’ll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine
But if you ask how she is
She’ll lie and say just fine.

Her carnival is over
She’s stepped off the carousel
But to save you feeling badly
She’ll say, "thanks, all is well".

My mom, she’s not gone mad yet
But oh, so very nearly
Don’t ask my mom how she is
Ask how she is really

I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug her from here
If she lies don’t listen

Hug her, hold her near.
On the day we meet again
We’ll smile and I’ll be bold.
I’ll say, “You’re lucky to get in here mom,
with all the lies you told!”.

author unknown.

Half Assed Neglect

Sorry for the language.
I'm in a BAD mood.
I'm grumpy, tired, and ANGRY.
Nothing is getting my full attention.  Everything is being taken care of half assed...neglected...
My kids, my house, my obligations, myself!
I can't focus or concentrate on any one thing for more than a few minutes.
There is just so much that needs to be done and I can't seem to find the energy to do any of it.
What a pity party I'm having...I hate it.

A bereaved big sister

written by my 14 year old in 2010

One year ago today , you were born . Er , stillborn is the more correct term . I think , one year ago at this exact moment , I was in the hospital hoping to meet my baby sister . It all happened so fast , i barely remember it . I just remember being confused , I didn't understand . All of a sudden you were just gone . Without any warning or signs . No one could have expected it . But now , I still can't say I understand , but I can see the peek of sunshine in the darkness . You are watching over me , over everyone . Mommy , Ella , Mr.Mike , Autumn , Andrew , and everyone else . You're keeping us safe from heaven . I'm thankful to know you're safe also . It's been a long , hard year for everyone . And we're all still hurting . Your mom is probably the strongest woman I will ever know , and we all are lucky to have her . I can't wait to meet you baby Elise , It will be a moment worth this lifetime .

L/I/P; Elise Renee Tagliaferri , Gone , But most definitely not forgotten .
And no , that's not a typo , Elise is very much alive in heaven , so i refer to her as living in peace .

Something New

All I have of you is what I had of you.
Obviously, I can't take pictures of you as you grow

I think I might be ready to share something new (to the world) of you.

Looking back through the pictures I do have,
I realized that on the day you entered this world,
Your brother was the age you'd be now.

This video is from the morning of April 6, 2009
It was Spring Break, so your 4 year old sister (slightly older than the age your brother is today) did not have pre-school.
She attended the Mommy and Me Fundamentals class with us that morning.

I remember feeling the contractions during this class.  Wondering if you were really going to make your appearance almost a month early.  I wasn't ready, but I was excited at the thought of meeting you.
As I wrote in your birth story, when we left Fundamentals, We ran some errands...Toys R Us, Barnes and Noble, and Walmart.   Then we went to lunch at the diner.  I had to start swaying through the contractions now coming every 15 minutes or so.  I still wasn't convinced you were coming.  By the time we got home and I tried to put everyone down for a nap, I think I knew in the back of my mind that this was really it.  I had to throw a load of laundry in the washer so you'd have something to wear.  I packed preemie sized  clothes since none of my babies are born "newborn" size.  There was a pink outfit and a white outfit, just in case you were a boy.  You know, it was the first time we found out the sex of our baby before birth, and I was still a little skeptical!
I had suggested putting you in that white outfit for your baptism, but the nurse told me that they had something for you to wear.  That was fine, but looking back, I do wish I would have known I could have bathed you and dressed you.  Why would I know?  Who knows what you can and can't do with a dead baby?  Who thinks to ask these things?
I remember feeling like I was doing something wrong when I was peeking at your body under the blankets.  Your skin was so wrinkled and peeling off, but you were perfect.  Beautiful.  I'd give anything to be able to hold you again.