5/1/09 Elise's Due Date

is today. I didn't think she'd make it to May, but NEVER did I think we would be where we are. I try so hard to be "OK" and I think I am a lot of the time, but boy when reality slaps me in the face, it's hard and it hurts. Literally, it is painful. It hurts just to breath sometimes. It's hard to function...to walk, to eat, to play, to mother my 3 other angels who need me so much. I hate it. I hate that I've been robbed of the chance to watch Elise live and grow..to watch Drew be a big brother...Autumn and Emily be the best big sisters yet again...And Mike to snuggle and comfort his new little girl. It's just not fair and now all I want to do is throw myself on the floor and throw a temper tantrum.
Guess I'll just have to settle for some tears and stolen phrases...
My life is so twisted, so strange, so surreal, so turned on its head upside-down, that looking into the face of my dead daughter is the most calming experience in the world to me right now. If I could have her body still, I'd be holding it, decaying or not. I would. I understand how mother's minds snap, how they end up dressing up and carrying baby dolls and calling them by their dead child's name. I really get that, on a visceral level I never could have fathomed before Elise was gone. That's how much I want her.

Baby, why’d you leave me?
Why’d you have to go?
I was countin’ on forever, now I’ll never know…I can’t even breathe…
~Just a dream Carrie Underwood

Dear Lord,
We never got the chance to hold her in our arms and tell her all about you.
Now, please, would you take her into your arms and tell her all about us?