January 9, 2010

AhHa, Makes a Little More Sense Now!

I'm surprised my head didn't tell me this, but apparently my heart knew. I thought it was just the fact that the year had changed and I am now getting ready to face some serious issues head on that left me feeling so down the last few days.
Yesterday was Elise's 9 month angelversary. She's now been physically away from me longer than she was physically with me. I am glad that I had no reason to take notice of the date so it was able to sneak by without incident. It wasn't always that way, for many months, I knew exactly when the 6th was. I knew exactly when it was 4:45 every Monday. Now those realizations are usually either a little early or late, but like I said my heart always knows.

I read this a week or two ago and made a mental note that "my" time was coming up soon, that I might want to refer back to it, and sure enough I do...

I'm so lost. It's been nine months, three seasons, but it feels as if time stopped when you died, my sweet, forever-baby. I remember other baby-loss mamas saying, "It gets easier... time really does help..." I guess that is partly true, but lately it's been almost worse. Maybe it's just the holidays. I looked at one-year-old clothes and toys while I was shopping and thought, "I should be buying those for Elise." Nine months old is one of my favorite ages...eating, moving, playing, but still not walking or TALKING! LOL Oh, those wonderful open mouth, wet kisses and giggles. I would love to receive them from my sweet angel.
I think I've pushed myself beyond the edge of reason. It feels like I'm moving in slow-motion lately, like I've been trying to run a marathon through an endless desert of sand and oh, god, I'm so tired. I'm just so tired.
I didn't know nine months would feel like this. I didn't know I could miss someone like this. I didn't know my heart could be shattered and still keep beating. I didn't know I could look into the black hole of my dead daughter's slack mouth, hold her tiny bruised and swollen head in my hand, and still be breathing nine months later. I don't want this, and there's nothing I can do to take it back, to give it back, to undo the horror that is my life now, without Elise.
I feel so melodramatic, writing any of that down, but the feeling goes beyond the words. I can't possibly tell you. The feeling plumbs the depths of my core and comes back with the blackest tar imaginable. The darkness I'm living in isn't deep, it's infinite.
I can't "stay positive" or "Keep fighting the good fight." I don't have any fight left in me. I've been wrestling with enough invisible demons for quite some time now. Enough.
Nine months. In a word? It sucks. What's another nine months gonna feel like? What about nne more years?
I don't know if I want to know.

Good night my sweet Elise. I love you as much now as I did nine months ago, maybe even more. I miss you. I still ache for you and yet, I know you are in a better place, a much better place than here, so I take great comfort in that.