What were you doing 6 months ago?
Most times people answer a question like this with something along the lines of barely being able to remember what they were doing yesterday. Generally, only times that have a strong impact on your life are easily remembered...Like where you were when you got engaged or what you were doing on 9/11.
April 6th, 6 months ago, will never be forgotten for me. I know where I was and what was happening every minute of that day. From the not-so-strong contractions at Fundamentals and Wal Mart, to full blown labor at lunch, to holding my angel in my arms and then giving her away to never be seen in flesh again.
If you have children you know all too well that time flies in the larger picture. The day to day seems to crawl by, but looking back it really doesn't seem all that long ago that your baby was born.
My life profoundly changed that day. In a way that is still not complete. There is still so much I don't know about myself and Elise. Some of it I will never know. I can't even tell you how old she would be today. When would she have been born if she hadn't died...April 6, April 24, May 1...I don't know. Had she stayed safe inside my womb or even just been born alive that day, how would that have changed the course of events that happened throughout the rest of the month of April and the subsequent months that followed. Where would my life be now? Better? I definately think so.
I never knew I could miss someone so much and I could hurt so deeply. I never knew that everything I once thought to be true could be turned upside down so quickly and so drasticaly. I have seen and thought things I would have NEVER even begun to imagine in a million years.
Life goes on and it looks relatively normal, heck, it even almost feels normal sometimes, but it doesn't last long. Reality hits again and the harsh truths can't be ignored. Life is just different. I am just different.
I wish I had a new picture to post with this note, but sadly I only have the same ones I have had for 6 months now. Only about 10 people outside of myself, hospital staff, and the photography place have even seen what she REALLY looked like. The only photos I have ever posted of her are either retouched or not of much of her. There will never be a new or different picture of my daughter Elise. Maybe I'll take a picture of her tree and post it here for her. That is all I have to physically represent her changes. I am sad and I am angry and I am hurt and I would really just like to crawl in a hole for a couple days to gather some strength, I'm slowly running out.
An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
We thought of you today
But that is nothing new
We thought of you yesterday
And will tomorrow too
We think of you in silence
And make no outward show
For what it meant to loose you
Only those who love you know
Remembering you is easy
We do it everyday
It’s the heartache of loosing you
That will never go away
how i miss you
My broken heart..
Will never mend
So lots of kisses..
I shall send
We think of you..
In a better place
With beautiful wings..
And a smile on your face
Every day is a struggle you see
Trying to cope..
So please help me
How do I cope?
I do not know
My heart is broken..
So that goes to show
I can't accept that you are gone
I need you here..
Please keep me strong
Stay by my side..
Show me the way
Help me to cope every day
I love and miss you so much..
And I always will
Since you have been gone..
Time has stood still
I think of you in heaven..
With Gods Angels up above
Please, my precious Angel..
Watch over me with love
To lose your child is the hardest loss to bare
No other loss on earth will ever compare,
Your heart's been broken, your soul ripped in two
This precious child is a part of you,
You don’t know if you can carry on
Others tell you to be strong,
You struggle with each passing day
The pain in your heart never goes away,
Days and months come and go
The grief you feel begins to grow,
The ache and longing is always there
You sit alone, you sit and stare,
Nobody knows what to say to you
But You need their help to see you through,
Friends start to drift away,
Nobody understands your pain each day
They can’t bare to see you cry
You can’t stop or live a lie,
This is your life now and it’s for real
Your broken heart will never heal,
Special days come along
These are days you can’t be strong,
Birthdays, Christmas and Mothers day
Are the days you dread in every way.
Then comes the day that hurts the most
The day your life changed forever,
Always know the memory of your child
Will stay with you and leave you never.
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