I Am Me

April 5, 2010

They say everything happens for a reason. I'm sure it does, but that doesn't mean I still don't question a lot of what has happened in the last year.
Of course, I continue to question WHY Elise had to be taken from us, but I also can't help but wonder how differently things would have worked out if Elise hadn't died. Especially after seeing how things have changed in the short time since Ella has been born.
I know there is really no point in second guessing and pondering all the "What If" "I Wish" "Why Didn't" scenarios, but I guess it is only natural.
My world was turned upside down last April and then, like a salad spinner, was given another horrific shake up last May. I still can't even fathom how things can go so completely wrong so quickly. How God would allow one person to go through so much at one time.
Life as I knew it was never going to be the same. I am a mother and a wife and both of those were now in question. A year later and I am still not sure of the new definition of either of those roles.
In those first few days, weeks, and even months of living in such a strange limbo, I couldn't imagine how I would survive a year or two or ten. I'm still not sure. The one thing I do know is that life keeps moving, even if you aren't.
Another cliche for ya: What a difference a year makes...I say yes and no. Obviously Ella is here when she wasn't a year ago. The pain of loosing Elise is not quite as raw and sharp as it was a year ago.
BUT I still have many of the same feelings I did last year around this time. I am still sickened by the events that took place last April. I still have physical as well as emotional reactions to thoughts of them all. I still find my head spinning and searching for something, anything to grab to slow it down. I once again am finding it difficult to function, both at home and in society. I just want to crawl in a hole again. The tears slowed over the last year, but they come as quickly and as heavily now as they did then.
How is it possible to feel such conflicting emotions at the same exact time. Love, Hate, Happy, Sad, Hopeful, Scared, Joy, Pain, Focus, Distraction, Trust, Doubt. It's all too much...and I still have another day, week, month, 2 months to struggle through before I can even begin to hope that my mind will stop playing the same movies over and over again in my head.


I Am Me

I'm torn, and broken
No matter how I appear to others
How high I hold my head up
Or how my words are spoken
I will never be the person
That I use to be
And no matter how I appear to others
Head up, strong spoken
They have no idea who I am
I am me
Not who I appear to be

Callie Sanders Thornton


Couldn't have said it better myself...I think I might wear this as a sign around my neck