17

Last year I didn't write. 

Life was fairly calm and ordinary. I was actually a little embarrassed that I forgot how old Elise would have been for a brief moment. Then I realized it was sweet sixteen and that hit hard. I was angry. There is nothing sweet about this, except maybe that beautiful face I got to see and hold for just those few hours. Looking past the bruises and dried blood to see my prefect little girl who never took a breath of air. I went on with my life, like just any other day. People noticed. I got the usual calls and texts that day and then the following days asking where my post was. I was honored people remembered, people cared. I was genuinely ok with not having written anything. 

This year, this post has been writing itself for about a month as it usually does. 

This year has been HARD. It has been heavy.

I've watched my kids lean into their faith more and more over the years and it's been inspiring. I'm slowly moving that way. Easter services this weekend hit home with all the talk of death and life after death and heaven and forgiveness and hope.  

My middle daughter got engaged last month. I can not be more excited for her and her future. This is the greatest blessing in our family in a long time. 

Outside of that, I've watched my aging parents struggle with health issues, I've watched my children struggle with their own internal issues that come with growing and evolving and I've battled my own health changes, my work load increase, and my "mom" role decrease. 

While my children are all pretty much grown, they are still navigating a pretty tough world and my heart aches for their struggles while at the same time beams with pride at their strength and perseverance. They still come to me for advice or to vent, but for the most part have a great support system around them outside of me. They have partners and their church family and friends. Mom is just there in the background. 

My older daughters moved away for college over the years, and while their leaving was difficult, there were more children home behind them. I still miss them, but it's normal for them not to be here day to day, and I still talk to them pretty regularly. My son did not go away to college, but he is so involved in work, sports, church and friends he's almost never home. He certainly doesn't need his mommy the way he used to. 

Then there is my youngest, my rainbow baby. Her sweet sixteen had me reeling long before her actual birthday. I've watched her grow into the beautiful, smart, funny, caring young lady she is almost overnight. We've spent more time than ever together over the last year and, while tiring, it has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Granted, she really only needs me for a ride and chic fil a money, but our conversations on those rides are priceless. She's starting her first job soon and in only a few months will have her license. I feel safe in knowing I've given her the tools to be a successful young adult and that she is ready and capable to go out into the world without me. It won't be long until our relationship turns into mostly texts and phone calls instead of in person communication. I am excited for her and her future, as I was and still am for her siblings. 

All this has left me at a crossroads in my life again. I find myself trying to find myself. 17 years ago when both my roles as wife and mother were pulled out from under me at the same time I didn't think I'd make it. I poured myself into being strong and trying to be the best mom I could to all my children. Honestly, I'm tired of being strong. Now that my mom role is becoming less and less demanding and the closer I get to being forced into whoever I'm supposed to be for the rest of my life, the scarier it all becomes. I will always be their mom. They will always need me. I thank God everyday that I know that they know they can ALWAYS come to me (and they do) They are all (5) my greatest blessings, my greatest accomplishments, my greatest joy, and will always be part of my heart existing outside my body, no matter who I become in this next chapter of my life. I wouldn't change it for anything. 

2025 

                                  2026

15 years

 About a month ago I thought about what I was going to write for Elise's blog post this year,  but I couldn't think of anything.  I thought,  well,  maybe this is what happens after 15 years, there just isn't much to say. 

Then, a few days later, I woke up one morning and immediately pulled up my notes app on my phone and began listing thoughts I wanted to write about, and boy has that list grown and shot off into a million tangents. Together we're going to find out how much of that makes it into this writing. 

It started with gratitude, being thankful and grateful for all the blessings you (I) have. 

It is so easy to focus on the bad things that are happening,  the daily crises of life,  that the good things can be taken for granted. 

Life is hard. 

Life isn't fair. 

Easy hard is still hard. 

As humans we like to assign meaning to things.  We like to be able to control outcomes.  Our brains just can't handle that life is often just random. We want to know,  why me?  Am I being punished for something? What lesson is this supposed to be teaching me? What is the higher reason for this? 

I think we should be looking more at what are we going to do next?  How can this motivate me instead of discourage me?

Now,  I am hardly one people would call optimistic, but I'm also not one people would call a downer. You know,  those people who are always complaining,  always miserable.  That's no way to live.  I have sure had more than my fair share of moments where I get on that negative thinking spiral and start to snowball down into thinking about everything that has ever gone wrong. Turning every good thing in my life into a negative.  Perceiving everything negatively. 

Then what happens? It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Next thing you know,  you're perpetually miserable and so is everyone around you. 

Instead,  you've got to look closer what good can come out of this? 

Silver linings and such

So,  to circle back to the reason we're here,  how is Elise's death a good thing?  

That was hard to even write. 

I don't have an answer for that. 

I'm not there yet. 

This is where I am probably supposed to say that her death gave me a deeper appreciation for life,  for my children,  etc. 

But you know what,  I still get frustrated and down about my life and my children.  I still get down right angry sometimes.  For now,  I think the "best" thing I've got,  that I didn't even consciously realize until I heard it come out of my mouth a few months ago, is that I've survived the death of my daughter,  I think I can survive anything

Time

That's what's been on my mind lately

"Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again
But I'm still trying to find it"
Taylor Swift

"The days are long but the years are short"
(Something like that anyway)
No idea if it's a real quote from someone but it's definitely said by moms and old ladies everywhere

This year is a big year for my kiddos.
Autumn turned 18, Ella 13, Drew 16
All milestone ages
27 is a milestone too,  right Emily?
I now have 2 adult children and none under a teenager.

How did I get this old?

My life was always about babies and small children,  now I'm navigating college and driving and boyfriends and such grown up, real life stuff. 
I'm not sure I was cut out for this stage,  it's a whole different stress and exhaustion from what I was thought was tough with young children.

If you know my kids,  you know they are all pretty great.  Kind,  well mannered,  funny,  smart,  just all around good people.  I love the relationship I have with them.  I can't imagine not enjoying their company,  not being grateful that I have the privilege to be in their life,  to watch them grow,  to help guide them.

Because,  of course,  I know what's it like to not have that opportunity.

I've felt it for years,  but with the milestones this year I felt it more pronounced.
I spend the entire month of March trying to make things special to celebrate Ella and Drew while they share a birth month (and sometimes Easter) Then bam almost overnight we have to switch gears to celebrate Elise. This is the first year in a while that we are able to be together all day without restrictions.... no school,  no covid, I took the day off work. We don't have a big elaborate plan today,  we're mostly a fly by the seat of our pants kind of planners,  but we will spend the day together doing something just a little different,  just a little special to celebrate our family and their sibling they never got to meet.

I often wonder if I'm doing them a disservice by continuing this tradition.  Like isn't 14 years long enough to let it go?  But no,  that's just ṭypical mom guilt,  over thinking every decision,  questioning every choice to be sure it is in their best interest.   We don't spend the day in bed crying,  we get out and live to celebrate life,  to celebrate each other and our family,  because she is a part of our family.  It is important to remember and celebrate and share the people we love.

Just as we celebrate each of our birthdays and as most people take time to remember those they have loved who have passed. Elise's life touched many. I felt the love and support of so many back in 2009 and still to this day. If you didn't know us then or if you've never experienced this type of loss, you might not fully understand the devastation. But the love is real and my commitment to continuing to share the light that Elise brought is important.  

For me, as contradictory as it may sound, celebrating Elise is in part a celebration of survival, my survival. 

There are days when I am grief stricken and angry and cry that she isn't here with us,  that our life went so far off course,  but mostly I celebrate,  we celebrate,  all that we do have,  all that we are grateful for,  all the love that we have to share with each other. 

Thank you for sharing with us

A Teenage Reflection

Today (yesterday as of posting) is Elise's 13th birthday/angelversary. I still don't know what to call it,  but it's a milestone.  A teenager as society refers to the length of time 13 years is from birth. Here's what I've been feeling lately.  With such a long time passing, it's less "about" Elise as it is more about my journey being her mother. 

13 years ago I was a mom, wife and student.  That's it,  that's all I did. Took care of kids,  a house,  my family and went to an internship and classes to finish my master's degree. 

I never intended to quit teaching permanently. I started grad school just before having Autumn and continued through Andrew.

Elise wasn't part of the plan.  I mean we did decide to have one more after a lot of discussion but the original plan was to stop after Drew.  Then Elise came so quickly once we decided, I hadn't finished school. So there I was,  mom of a teenager, preschooler and toddler,  trying to juggle pregnancy and grad school.  I was set to graduate late April and Elise was due early May so I had it all under control,  until I didn't.  

Everything imploded in an instant.

My daughter died inside me,  questioning my motherhood.
My husband was cheating on me questioning my worth as a wife and the integrity of my family.
And at this point who really cares about a Master's Degree. But somehow I finished and graduated cum laude even.  That part still makes me scratch my head.  I didn't go to graduation,  my degree just showed up in the mail one random day,  not meaning much. 

Eventually my husband and I divorced and all I was left with were my children, including a new one,  my rainbow,  Ella Faith.

I had no choice but to reclaim my motherhood.  

It took a loooooooong time.  

Hell, I'm still working on it,  but deep down it's still who I am at my core.

Except now I'm the single mother of an adult,  2 teenagers, a preteen, and an angel just doing the best I can.

Even if some days that means forcing my ass out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other to get through another day.  

Some days are easier than others.  Some months are easier.  I've even had a few pretty good years, but sometimes it just weighs on me and things are harder to understand and deal with.  

But I know it will pass.  

I look at my amazing children and remember what I'm fighting for and know in my heart it's all going to be ok one day.

A Dozen Years

She's always around,  always there somewhere, but sometimes she's more noticeable.  For the last 2 weeks she's been very noticeable. It is her birthday after all.

I can't even wrap my head around the fact that it's been 12 years.  12 years that I've been trying to put my thoughts and feelings into words in hopes it may help me to just get it out, or maybe educate someone, or even better, help someone going through a similar experience.

14 years ago I "knew" my first and only person who had a stillbirth.  Baby Hannah.  I "met" her mother online in a babywearing chat group.  Andrew was an infant and I remember reading her story and sobbing as I nursed my newborn.  I couldn't even imagine the devastation,  but then it passed. 

 

2 years later I had my own,  still with no idea it really happened to normal everyday people.  I mean I had a blood clot and other unexplained issues for the first time in 4 pregnancies,  but never did I imagine my baby would die inside of me and I'd have no idea.  

Then it happened. 

I spent hours upon hours reading other stories online trying to make sense of it all,  and trying to find my place in the world with others words.  I still had 3 kids and a cheating husband at home and was finishing my masters degree.  It was quite a mess,  but with the help of  a few amazing friends I navigated my way through and eventually gave birth to Ella just 3 weeks shy of Elise's first birthday.

  

I remember every single "birthday" we've celebrated.  Early on it was with all our friends and family then eventually it just became the kids and I. I looked back on this blog to see what I wrote about last year and realized I didn't publish it.  

I didn't finish it.  

Talk about a punch in the gut.  

I'm all she has to keep her memory alive and I dropped the ball.  

We were deep in the start of a national pandemic, everything was closed,  everyone was ordered to stay home.  What else better did I have to do? It still kills me to think about,  but I'm trying to show myself some grace.  It was a pandemic,  it was different,  it was weird,  it was isolating and confusing.  So many people were out of work and I was still going in to my office everyday while my kids were home from school.  I really didn't know which end was up most days,  but again I just did my best to navigate through. 

We decided to order carry out from a local eatery last year.  There was no dining in restaurants at this point so we had a picnic dinner in the yard and planted flowers around the house. Not our typical outing doing something fun that she might enjoy,  spending her day enjoying each other,  but we did the best we could and still managed to make memories for and of her.  

This year,  we still haven't quite figured out what we're doing,  but we will do something, in Elise's honor. 

This is what 12 years and 3 cars does to a picture.  

Debating if I want to put a new one up.

Living

From future, to past, to present

This topic has been on my mind for months, it keeps resurfacing, I can't avoid it.
I'm trying to become more conscious, more mindful, in my thinking.
I have a lot of alone time to think and I've come to realize something about myself over the last year or so.
For so very long, I lived in the future.
As a kid it was:
"when I'm a teenager"
"when I can drive"
"when I turn 18"
 That turned into:
"when I get my degree"
"when I get married"
"when I'm done having babies"
"when the kids are bigger"
Everything seemed to be a hurdle,  but I was always focused on the light at the end of the tunnel.
When I was pregnant with Elise I had a 13 year old,  a 4 year old and a 2 year old.  I was in school full time doing my internship for my master's degree.  I was tired and probably a little grumpy.  But I knew that in a few months school would be over (for good as I'd been in grad school for 5 years at this point) and I wouldn't be pregnant.  Things would be different,  they'd be better.
HA! Thank you universe for squashing that theory.
So then I began to live in the past.
What did I do,  didn't I do,  could I have done,  should I have done so things didn't turn out this way?
Why did my baby die?
Why did my husband cheat?
Why did I let him back in?
Why didn't I focus more on my family?
It took a long time to realize that no amount of thinking and analyzing would change anything that happened so I had to just learn from it (hopefully) and went back to thinking of the future.
"once the divorce is final"
"once the house is sold"
"once I have a full time job"
"once the kids are old enough"
"once I have my own permanent place for my kids and myself"
Often the questions from the past crept in and I knew it was just the anxiety and depression but boy did they talk loud, and MEAN.
I had many dark times where I couldn't stop the thoughts and then they would snowball into dark thoughts of the future.
It was bad, real bad sometimes.
I'm very thankful I made it through those days, some of them just barely,  but I made it.
And here I am now,  learning to live in the present.
Being grateful for what's here now.
Loving the life we're in day to day.
That's not to say there aren't things I look forward to or times I don't think about the past,  but more often than not they are fleeting thoughts,  not overwhelming distortions of reality.
I still once in a while get caught up in other people's perceptions of what I've done or who I should be and my own insecurities, but overall I know exactly who I am,  where I am,  and just how blessed I am.
So when the occasion presented itself to finally get that tattoo I've been wanting for years,  I took the earliest appointment I could to do it now,  not later,  now.
Enough time has been spent planning for one day, today is one day.
And while Elise's handprint does represent my past,  it is undoubtedly one of the biggest shapers of my present and my future and I'm so incredibly stoked to have a daily physical representation of what's daily in my mind and heart but often not spoken of.

Guilt, and another perspective

Here it is Elise's 10th "birthday".
I never thought it would be so long ago.
A full decade.
1 child, 3 cats, 2 houses, 1 divorce, 10 years ago.

I look at how old my other 4 children are and think it just isn't possible that so much time has passed since life before them.
I barely remember what it was like to only have Emily. Or to only have an 8 year old and a newborn, or to have a teenager, a toddler and a preschooler.
But I have pictures and memories of all the big events in their lives along with some ordinary everyday moments captured in photographs or just my mind's eye and heart.

For Elise there are no childhood memories or pictures.
No firsts, no school events, no sports, no silly stories.
Just the 9 months I knew her in my womb and the few hours I held her body in my arms.

There are also the times I've been deliberate in celebrating her, however.
Usually on her birthday.

But this year I feel like I dropped the ball.

I wanted to host a big event to celebrate her impact on this world.
I had the same wish 5 years ago and it didn't happen.
I beat myself up for quite a while for that.
But I told myself that things will be different in 5 more years. I can make it up on her 10th.
Last year I announced I was going to host a 5k.
I researched and networked and thought I had a good start.

Then, life.

As much as I never wanted it to since the moment I found out Elise died, life went on.

I got the go ahead from my mortgage broker to start looking for a house for myself and my 3 "little" ones. This consumed my entire summer and by fall we were moving and unpacking and settling into our new life for about the 4th time in the last 5 years.
This time it was the real deal though.
This one wasn't temporary, this really is how it's going to be for the foreseeable future.
And it took a little adjusting for us all.
But let me assure you it is wonderful!
We are all doing the best we've been in years!

Just before Christmas I came across a family retreat being held the weekend of Elise's birthday just a couple hours away from our home. I couldn't believe the timing!
By now I knew my 5k idea wasn't going to be able to be pulled off so this seemed perfect!
A weekend getaway for just us centered on Elise with other families navigating the same path we are.
The kids however, in true kid fashion, were not interested.
They said they liked the way we always celebrate her, the same exact way we celebrate each of us; spending the day together doing things we like.

Those kids of mine can be pretty profound sometimes.

I still feel guilty, but I try to cut myself some slack.
I blame it on being her mom! Isn't it just an innate character flaw of (most) moms to always feel guilty, always wonder if they're doing the right thing, if they're doing enough for their children?

A very good friend of mine reminds me when the guilt is taking over and I'm being too hard on myself that I'm actually doing a wonderful service to my children by NOT being able to devote hours and hours and hours to one event because I'm spending my time making a life and living a life for us all!

Elise is loved and Elise is missed every single day, all 3651 of them so far.

Tomorrow we will celebrate her with a family trip somewhere fun, a nice dinner together and dessert at home.

We will make memories for her, of her.

And I'll try to leave (some of) my guilt behind.

Angelversary Announcemnt

It's been a while since I've written so it's probably going to be long. I'm sorry.
Elise would be 9 this year.  That seems so old, so long ago, and it is.  It's hard because there are no new memories to hold onto.  I look at my other kids and there are things they did last week or last year to remember in addition to 5, 7, 9 years ago.  But as I've said before, with Elise, all I have is all I have, so I cling to those memories of her....in my belly, in my arms, at her memorial.
But, in a way, I do have more.  I have her angelversary every year.  I have friends and strangers offer their thoughts and support.  Some offer what memory they have of the time surrounding Elise's life and death.  Some celebrate with us, but most of all so many just remember.  And that's all I want, because Elise's life is worth remembering.
For most of the years on her angelversary I have hosted a traditional birthday party at my home for anyone who wanted to come help us celebrate.  One year I hosted that big Bingo at the American Legion, remember that?  But the last 3 years or so life has gotten in the way (of everything) so the parties stopped and April 6 was no longer a planned event.  It became a "fly by the seat of our pants" day.  We've gone to Chuck E Cheese mostly.  Sometimes other places as well but for the most part it's only been me and the kids and maybe another immediate family member or two .  This year will be no different, except today is Friday, so we're gonna celebrate alllllllllll weekend long!  Trampolines, movies, peep show, six flags, play places, maybe even a hotel stay (it's still a "fly by the seat of our pants" event)
But next year, next year will be 10 years.  That's a milestone, so I started thinking about 2 months ago that I wanted to do something bigger again.  Something more people can participate in.  Maybe even something they can participate in for their own reasons, not just for Elise, it will just be on Elise's birthday.  But that was as far as I got that first time thinking about it.
Later that night, that exact night, I got a text from Emily (my oldest daughter away at college) with a picture of a flyer she saw at her Cross Fit gym.  It was for a 5k in honor of a little boy who was stillborn to raise money for a Cuddle Cot for the local hospital.  Emily asked me if I knew anything about a Cuddle Cot.  Oddly enough, I had done some research on them not to long ago.  Someone wanted to donate one to the local hospital I volunteered at as a support group facilitator for bereaved parents.  Anyway, as we were discussing this I looked at the dates and my calendar on my phone and realized the kids and I would be able to travel to Virginia to participate in this run in late April.  That sounds like a great way for us to honor Elise.  As a matter of fact, a 5k sounds like a great idea for  next April as well!
So tonight, when the kids get home from school, before we head out to celebrate, they are getting a gift.  The gift of visiting their sister Emily at school in 2 weeks to run with her in a 5k honoring their sister Elise and a little boy named Finn Parker Urgo, whom we've never met, but I have a feeling Elise has!
I'm not anticipating anyone feeling moved enough to travel to Virginia to participate with us, but here is the link to the run in case you would like to donate to Finn's mother Lynnsey's  cause.

And keep your eyes out for info about a 5k on Saturday, April 6, 2019!

PS If anyone has ever done a 5k before and would like to help me get started, please let me know!  I need a place to have it and a place to donate the proceeds before I can really get the ball rolling!

If She'd Been Born Today, She'd Be Alive

I read this blog post that Baby Lilly's mother wrote when it was posted last week and I cried, a lot, so I bookmarked it to come back to later...after all it was Ella's birthday. But boy did it hit me, hard. I think about so many things that are the same with Elise as in this post.  Why didn't I know? How could I not know?
So many things would be so different if Elise was born before she died.  Not just with Elise, but with my marriage and my life the way it is today. One of those things means Ella wouldn't be here. I can't even begin to describe what a strange thought process it is to think about one of your kids not being here. I mean I think about it every day because one of my kids is not here, but that's different, she never was here, at least not in the outside world.
I always think about Elise more and more this time of year, but I'm also overwhelmed with other things that happen during this time of year, Ella's birthday, Andrew's birthday, Easter, my husband's actions in 2009, and this year add to that the chaos of going through a divorce and being a newly single working mom, it's tough, very tough. Some days it feels too tough, but everyday I get up and I keep going for my kids, the ones that are here and the ones that aren't.  And myself.  I've put it out there on this blog before so there's no point in continuing to act like it didn't happen, but I realized I have to do for me and doing for me is best for my kids. I want them to be proud of me. I want to be someone they can look up to. In many ways I think I am, in some ways I'm not so sure, but I have to keep trying. I have to keep going for them.
Another reason this year is different is that it plays out the same time wise as it did in 2009 it is believed that Elise died on Saturday April 4th and of course she was delivered on Monday April 6, the same way it falls on the calendar this year.  Everything's replaying the same and it's hard not to think about what was happening on all these days 6 years ago and that brings us right back to What If...what if she had been born that day she'd still be alive...

Me, pregnant with Elise, hiding behind my then 4 year old at a party this time 6 years ago.
Oh how I wish I didn't hide and had more pictures of Elise!

Rainbow babies aren't all they're cracked up to be.

I love my rainbow baby.  I can't imagine my life without her, but there is something to be said for letting what is, be.  More often than I care to admit, I wonder how life would be if I listened to what "God" was trying to tell me by taking Elise.  Maybe I did push the envelope by getting pregnant again and having another baby.
Sure I'd always wonder what if, but looking back, I still do.
What if I never had another baby? What if I didn't take my cheating husband back because I was pregnant?  Where would my older children be now?  Where would I be now?  Who would I be today without that last baby defining me?
Do I wish she was never born?  Of course not, but do I imagine how different my life would be without her... Yes... Just like I imagine how different my life would be if Elise lived.
I read so much about how grateful grieving mom's are and I feel like a total piece of shit for not being 100% sure of my decision to go on and have another baby, but as always, maybe, just maybe, there is another mama out there feeling this way, ashamed to admit it, and maybe, just maybe, she'll take some comfort in knowing she's not alone in her thoughts.
Or maybe I'll just get ridiculed by others for feeling the way I do...
Either way, I'll risk it.
I love you, Elise, and all your siblings...

It's time...

I promised myself when I started this blog for Elise that I would not taint it with this information, but it's time to get it out.  Most people have no idea and I'm tired of pretending.

It pisses me off that people think that Elise's death caused my marriage to end.  While devastating, yes, it is such a small part of why.  It also pisses me off that people think because I stayed married for 4 years after her death that it had nothing to do with its ending.
My husband began cheating on me on my son's 2nd birthday, when I was in the third trimester of my fourth pregnancy (Elise).  It was a difficult pregnancy with physical complications (I had a blood clot in my leg and was on blood thinners among other things) as well as the normal life trials and tribulations of being pregnant with a 12 year old, a 4 year old, and a 2 year old.  I was also finishing my internship for my masters degree at this time.
When I went into labor 4 weeks early, my husband continued on to work that day to see his girlfriend leaving me at home to find a sitter for my small children and head to the hospital to deliver my baby.  Only 30 minutes after she was stillborn, he left me in the delivery room holding her dead body to go out in the hallway to call his girlfriend.  The next morning he again left me in a hospital bed with no baby to hold while he went and called her from Target where he was supposed to be printing pictures of her to show her siblings.  Just 5 days later, at Elise's memorial service, his girlfriend was there.  I found all this out 3 weeks later when I accidentally discovered his affair he told me he was leaving us to be with her.  I kicked him out.  He had no where to go so he stayed at a friend's house while his family was on vacation, but when they returned he again had no where to go so he came back home.  We went back and forth for months splitting up and trying to stay together.  He swore he was sorry and he now wanted to make our marriage better.  Needless to say, I got pregnant.  It was just 3 months after Elise's death and only 1 month after I found out about my husband's infidelity.  I couldn't get divorced now so we gave it our all.  We went to counseling both individually and together.  We implemented strategies to make our marriage stronger and to recover from his affair and deal with our grief over Elise's death.  It didn't last long before everything was back to "normal" the way it had always been.  Mike still insisted he wanted this marriage to work and of course I did too, but every few months we'd argue about how nothing is changing.  Nothing is getting better, in fact as time was going on it was getting worse.  Each year just continued to suck.
I woke up last Spring around Elise's 4th angelversary and finally realized that things were never going to change in my marriage.  It was now long enough.  My husband will never be able to do the things he needed to do to repair the damage he had done in betraying me during the most difficult time in my life.  We would never be able to be happy together as a married couple.  So this time, instead of asking him, I told him it was time for us to separate.  And now here we are divorcing.  Over the last 4 years we had talked about divorce and he always said he did not want to be a part time parent to our children.  For the first 9 months he wasn't.  He saw them at least one day just about every weekend and a couple evenings during the week.  We had a very amicable relationship.  Often he would stay here at "our" house on the couch overnight to be with them.  Then he got a girlfriend.  Don't get me wrong, I was happy to know that he had found another person to spend time with, I had that and it was amazing, but within a month he began choosing her over his children.  He is now content with being a part time parent.  He has said those words to me.  He has chosen to only see the children approximately 20% of the month and nothing more.  I am now working part time for the first time in 10 years and he refuses to "watch" his children unless it is his self selected visitation days.  Often leaving them in the care of my boyfriend.  When his visitation time is over, it's over, he's done and leaves.  It has been a very difficult few months for me juggling the children, household responsibilities, working, etc, but I've never felt better as a woman.  I am a better person and mother than I have been in the last 5 years. I don't know what the future holds for me or my children, but I do know one thing:  I was strong in my decision to finally do what is right and best for all of us and in the end it will all be okay!  We will get through this and not just survive, but thrive!
As with every post I write, I finally decided to make this one to create understanding.  For 5 years now I have been unable to solely think about my little girl.  And I don't know if I ever will be able to.  Without fail a memory of what my husband did to me during the only time I had with my daughter sneaks into my mind.  It's not fair.  It's not fair to me or to her, but it is what it is and now everyone knows and I don't have to hide it any longer.

This year doesn't suck (as much)

Every year as March rolls around I am always so conflicted.  I'm usually working on plans for Ella and Andrew and Elise's birthdays.  2 of them are "happy" and one is the opposite, but I stay busy and try not to dwell.  Then as April comes and goes I tend to reevaluate my life.  I look at where I was in April/May 2008 (innocent) April/May 2009 (destroyed) 2010 (confused) 2011 (some normalcy) 2012 (wanting more) 2013 (waking up) 2014 (moving on).  It was last year that I started to see a glimpse of the "old" me....the me before Elise's death.  I was certainly a much different person, but the fog was lifting.  I was finally craving living again and here I am another year later living!  It will be 5 years since my life changed so dramatically and I'm finally moving in the right direction!  I still miss her so much and always wonder what might have been, but it doesn't consume me.  I was down on myself this year for not going through with my plan for a big fundraiser for her birthday this year. but now I've realized I've given her something even better...a healthy mom, moving toward happiness, continuing to keep her spirit alive and raise awareness.  I know she would be proud and really, that's all I want as a mom...for my kids to know they are loved and for them to be able to look up to me for courage and strength, like I do them every day!
Very strange to be able to write without crying and also having the last few "unprovoked" cries to be "happy" ones. 

Stupid glasses

Life has been in fast forward for the last few months.  So many changes and things needing my immediate attention, I haven't had time to sit down and think for more than a few seconds, so naturally I haven't had time to write.  Today I still don't, but I had to...
I think of Elise every single day, some days more in depth than others.  I miss her every single day, some days more deeply than others.  Today is one of those days.  The stupid what ifs, what might have been...
There is a running joke in my family that poor eyesight skips a kid.  I've had glasses since I started school.  My oldest had muscle realignment surgery at 3 and currently wears contacts at 17.  My 9 year old has great eyesight.  My 6 year old has been wearing glasses since 2 and keeps one eye dilated (in lieu of a patch) to strengthen his weak eye.  So the question always was would Elise or her rainbow sister need glasses.  We've taken the now 3 year old for biannual checkups just in case and today it was suggested she get glasses.  It didn't take long for the thought of Elise to rise in my mind.  I tried not to focus on it as my other girls needed my attention at the moment, but any time there was any sort of downtime that's where my mind wandered to.  I bet Elise wouldn't have needed glasses, it would have skipped her, just like we thought.  Stupid thing to be thinking about, I know, I mean really, I don't care about my kids needing them (that 3 year old is gonna be super cute in them!) but just another reminder of my little girl who is not here living life with us, experiencing the mundane adventures that all children get to experience.
Then the guilt sets in.  Why is this bothering me so much, her memory.  Have I been neglecting her?  Of course not.  The 3 year old and I were just talking about her last night.  The kids were just recently fighting over who got to sleep with her bear... 
Her birthday, that's it.  It's coming up soon and I wanted to do a big fundraiser for her, but its not going to happen and that has been killing me.  I'm so angry at myself, but I know in the end, I just can't pull it together this year.  But I should, for her, she deserves it.  It's a no win situation and either way I know I'll beat myself up over whatever happens.  That's part of being a mom, I guess.  Always wishing you could do more, always feeling like you should have done more.  Only it's multiplied when that's all you have and you are the only one fighting to keep your child alive in some small way, if only for yourself.
It all comes back to missing that sweet face and being so damn angry at how things turned out sometimes.  But I refuse to focus on the anger and instead focus on the love that I have for my little girl and all that her life blessed me with.  I couldn't live any other way.
Thanks for the cry, stupid glasses!

Today I'm blessed

It’s October 15^th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, again.  I have been blessed with the opportunity today to have no real responsibilities and to be able to focus on just Elise.  It’s only noon and I’m exhausted.  I’ve been reading and thinking and even “talking” to her all morning.  I’m receiving comments and messages from friends and loved ones and I’m trying hard not to take it personal when some who I thought would be there for me today are not.  I don’t get nearly enough time, let alone days, to focus on Elise, but like her birthday, I make sure I do today.  I am meeting friends for dinner again tonight.  This will be our second year getting together on this date to celebrate our babies together.   Last year (and the year before) I reflected on this day and again I wanted to take some time to do so now that it has been 4 years.

I continue to feel blessed by Elise.  She has brought so many people and so many opportunities into my life.  I am so extremely grateful to have been chosen to be her mom.  My life has been a whirlwind of events over the last 4 years.  Sad to say, but most have been not so great and kept me down and out for most of that time.  But something happened just after her birthday last year.  I started to see my “old” self again.  It was a new me, yes, but it was more like the “old” me than I have seen in years.  I liked it and I wanted to keep it going.  So I’ve been fighting and digging to keep her.  It has been hard, it still is hard most days, but in the end I know it will be worth it…to get my life back, the one I stopped living in 2009.  I am excited by what is to come.  I’m not going to lie, I’m also scared as hell, but I have faith that it is all going to work out.

Now I can only speak for myself and my experience, but I did want to share that yes, I too, had that moment of brightness in my grief where I could see myself and all that I had to gain by moving forward.  I haven’t forgotten about Elise, I don’t miss her any less, I still have days of crippling sadness, but I am moving up and on.  The death of my daughter most certainly has shaped who I am, but it most certainly has not defined who I am. That I am still working on...

Unexpected Moments of Reflection

Tonight I was blessed with something I never get...alone time!  Being the mom of 4 physical children ranging in age from 3-17 is a generally busy job.  To get a break I usually have to leave the house and get into something.  Tonight my oldest carted the younger 3 to visit my dad leaving me home alone in an empty house.  I didn't know what to do with myself!  I cleaned up some (nothing major!) and even took a little nap on the couch watching TV that I wanted to watch, but then the first hour was over and I still had 3 more!  I was thinking how ironic it was that I was bored without those children I always complain never give me a moment to myself.  I naturally thought of Elise, one of my children, but not one who tugs on my pant legs or yells Mommy from the other side of the house.  This lead to thinking about all the events surrounding her pregnancy and death and the four years since. 
Of course I wonder who she would be today.  What would she look like?  What would she be into?  Would she be rotten or a sweetheart?  Would I have spoiled her the way I did her rainbow baby sister, making her rotten?  Would she be excited to be going to preschool this year?  Would she wake up at the crack of dawn or be a good sleeper?  Would she like fruit and vegetables or pizza and pasta?  So many things I wonder about her
Then there are those other things I wonder about...How would my life be different had she been born perfectly healthy as I had expected?  So much changed in April of 2009.  So much more than the death of my daughter.  I was forever changed.  I wonder, would I still be oblivious to so many of the horrors of life?  Would I still be where I am staring down turning 36 in a few weeks?  I promised to never taint Elise's blog with the other events of that time or the events that have followed, but they have all changed my relationship with so many people.  Some for the best, some not.  I've met people I never would have met if everything that happened in 2009 and since didn't happen.  I've fought with people I wouldn't have fought with if I wasn't who I was because of that time in my life.  I've come to love people I wouldn't love if my life course wasn't what it was.  Who knows if those things still would have happened.  NONE of them are because of Elise, just around her and part of my dealings with her death.  I just can't help but wonder what if.  And sometimes still, those what ifs bring me to my knees with tears in my eyes. 
I guess this is why I stay so busy all the time.  It's those unexpected moments of down time when I start to reflect on the last 4 years that my heart just hurts and I can't contain the tears and the knot in my stomach.  I miss you my sweet Elise and all that your life would have brought to this world!

A big sister remembers

My oldest daughter wrote this on October 1, 2011.  I just came across it on her Facebook page recently and thought I'd share it here.  She was only 12 when we lost Elise.  As the years go on, the loss of her little sister affects her more and more...


Needless to say, yesterday was a rough day. For a lot of reasons. And of course, sitting in drama, someone decides to read this as a monologue. Literally brought tears to my eyes.

Elizabeth Childers

DUST of my dust,
And dust with my dust,
O, child who died as you entered the world,
Dead with my death!
Not knowing Breath, though you tried so hard,         
With a heart that beat when you lived with me,
And stopped when you left me for Life.
It is well, my child. For you never traveled
The long, long way that begins with school days,
When little fingers blur under the tears   
That fall on the crooked letters.
And the earliest wound, when a little mate
Leaves you alone for another;
And sickness, and the face of Fear by the bed;
The death of a father or mother;  
 Or shame for them, or poverty;
The maiden sorrow of school days ended;
And eyeless Nature that makes you drink
From the cup of Love, though you know it’s poisoned;
To whom would your flower-face have been lifted?  
 Botanist, weakling? Cry of what blood to yours?—
Pure or foul, for it makes no matter,
It’s blood that calls to our blood.
And then your children—oh, what might they be?
And what your sorrow? Child! Child!   
Death is better than Life!


I don't think anyone will understand the meaning of that monologue, I don't even think the girl reading it knew what it was about. And hey, maybe its not even about what I think its about, but isn't that the beauty of poetry?

Return to Zero

A few months ago I heard through the grapevine, aka Facebook, that there was a movie being produced that centered around stillbirth.  Great, I thought,  but I know there have been others and not much has come of them.  Then I found out this one was different, it was a "real" Hollywood film,  with real actors, hmmm.  THEN I read the synopsis and almost fell over...wait, that's my life!  AWESOME!  I'm looking forward to this!  THEN, I found out about an amazing opportunity to have Elise included in the film credits!  Of course a movie of this topic is not getting the big bucks banking that Hollywood movies usually do, so the movie people are asking for help from "the babyloss community" (and other citizens) and in return are offering the opportunity to dedicate an “In Loving Memory of…” credit at the end of the film. The donation amount for this is $250.  Not a whole lot of money, but still, a WHOLE LOT of money!  I have been debating back and forth, then the deadline started to roll around and I started thinking about it more.  Now the deadline is in just 3 days and I've decided I really want to do it.  Elise is worth $250 (and a whole lot more) but I have to be realistic in that I also have 4 living children to think about and for me, $250 is a bit of a financial strain on our family.  Then (the teacher in me is cringing at my non use of varied transition words!) I remembered Madison and how many people came together to help her out.  Yeah, this situation is totally different, but as I browsed the funding site for her when it was first created, I found that people were asking for funding for all sorts of stuff, so I thought, why not me?  Why not Elise?  I only need $250.  That's only $5 from 50 people or $10 from 25 or $20 from 13!  I have over 400 friends on Facebook!  I'm also in the Fundraising mode as I have been working on Elise's Bingo and other things for the mom's group I help run.  I've been asking for money for months, but not for me, not for Elise.  This time, the money would directly benefit us, why not ask?  What can it hurt?  So here it is, my request for your help and support.  Please help me share this request, not just to get me money, but to share my sweet Elise's story and to promote this wonderful film project.  Thank you!
http://www.gofundme.com/2fvess

A Miracle for Madison

I don't usually post this kind of stuff, but this little girl and her family could use all the prayers she can get.  I barely know her, but I do and I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through.  For her to be "fine" one day and then being checked for brain activity the next is horrific!  Please, take a moment and say a prayer for them, if you do that sort of thing.  And when you check out the link below, don't look at it as another request for money, that is not why I am sharing it, but look at all the people who are coming together to support this family during this trying time.  Many do not even know this sweet girl or her family.  Though I sometimes wonder, this is proof that humanity has not lost all it's compassion.  It is a great reminder for us all that the world does care and that, as we all know, life is short, you gotta make it count!  Thanks for reading...
http://www.gofundme.com/25odkg?pc=fb_cr

Just 2 days after being diagnosed with Leukemia, it was determined that Maddie's brain had no activity and the next day she took her last breath here on earth.  Please continue to keep her family and friends in your thoughts.
 

Why I blog

I was talking with another mama the other day about why I blog.  Is it for me or for others?  What do I get from it?  What do I hope others get from it?

In my very first post on the blog, I said that I was "creating a written tribute to my sweet angel"  That is how it started, the blogging part anyway.  Before that, came all the Facebook posts though.  Those were more for information.  People wanted to know how Elise died, but who wants to ask someone that?  So I posted it.  That way people didn't have to ask.  Then I shared songs, poems, other pieces of writings others have shared to try to explain how I was feeling.  Every once in a while, I would throw in my own thoughts, but it was mostly words borrowed from others, again, just trying to share what I was going through.
Then I caught up to real time and was able to focus more on my own words.  My words to Elise and about Elise.  My words about me and how I was feeling.  But why?  Why was I doing this?  To journal my thoughts, yes, I needed an outlet to get it all out, everything I was thinking and feeling.  But why not in a notebook or in a Word Document, why online?  In a word, understanding.  My hope was, is, to create understanding among people.  People who have not experienced a loss, what it is like, and people who have to know that someone out there does understand what they are thinking and feeling.
Putting myself out there like this, is a double edged sword.  I have had countless people tell me that my willingness to speak up about my loss has made them more comfortable to also speak up or just deal with their own loss in general.  Then there are those who use my words against me or as an opportunity to twist them to their own advantage.  I have never been anything but honest, with myself and my readers, and I am truly grateful for those who choose to walk this path with me in understanding, whatever their underlying motives are.  I know some do it to support me, some to support themselves and I am humbled by both!  I blog for me and for you.  I get to release my feelings and I get to help others understand.  I get to keep my angel alive, if only through memory!  I wish I was able to do so more regularly and with slightly less trepidation and slightly better mechanics, but it is what it is and I'll take it!  I do it all in Elise's Honor!
Thanks for reading and remembering my Sweet Elise! :)

Elise's Birthday Bingo!

I announced the details on Facebook less than 2 weeks ago and have already sold out over half of the event!  I am so humbled by the support from friends and family!  Here are the details if you would like to attend or donate (or help with soliciting donations! :))

Join us to celebrate Elise's 4th Birthday with a BINGO benefiting ChesapeakeMommies.com, a local mom's group in Harford and Cecil Counties that has been of tremendous support to me during and since Elise's death.

Bingo will be held at the Bel Air American Legion Post #55,
115 N Bond St, Bel Air, MD 21014, (across from the Bel Air Bakery) on Saturday, April 6, 2013 from 6-9 pm.

Tickets are $12 in advance and $15 at the door for 15 games of Bingo
UPDATE:  WE ARE SOLD OUT!!!
Extra "cards" will be available to those who have a ticket as well as a 50/50 and probably even some raffles!
This is a family friendly event, bring the kids!
There will be light food and drink for sale during the event as well.
Hope to see you there!

As of now, the event is only listed here, on ChesapeakeMommies, and on Facebook.


Elise's Honor and ChesapekeMommies would like to thank the following companies/individuals, in no particular order, for their donations to our BINGO Fundraiser on April 6.  Be sure to keep checking back as the list will continue to be updated until the event has passed!

Susanne Howard
The Nance Family
Jess Sparwasser
Julie Hauhn
Jennifer Powell
Gerry Outten
Steven Outten 
Luise McCants
Stacy Parlett
Shelly Layfield
Laura Knapp 
Danielle Lowry-Suit
Amanda Johnson
Laura Barcena
Rachel Myers
Sarah Rawlings
Melanie Watson
Julie Foresta 
Judy Churn 
Stephanie Murphy, Island Escapes Therapeutic Massage
Jackie McDonald Tastefully Simple
Stroller Strides of Harford County
Chick Fil A Forest Hill
Chesapeake Children’s Museum  
Sight and Sound Theater
Jan Brett
Highlights Magazine
Bertucci's Italian Restaurant
Aberdeen Ironirds
Historic Ships in Baltimore 
Redbox
Origami Owl with Amanda Johnson
Pinkclyx
Open Door Cafe
Scholastic Books
Ellies Beautiful Bows
The Cheesecake Factory
31 with Rachel Myers
PinkEpromise
Woodhall Wine Cellars
Tracy Parron Photography
Delaware Children’s Museum
Little Huckleberry 
Green Mountain Coffee
Boyle Buick 
31 with Jenn Flory
Chuck E Cheese Bel Air 
Bengies Drive In Theatre 
Forest Hill Lanes
Coffee Coffee
Flavor Cupcakery
My Gym Bel Air
Healthbridge Chiropractic 
Fundamentals  
The Pampered Chef with Colleen Cornacchione 
Pure Romance by Melissa N 
Texas Roadhouse Fallston 
Center Stage 
Pink Zebra with Karen Hildebrandt 
Lil B's Pretties  
Jarrettsville Creamery and Deli
Jamberry Nails with Dani Lynn 
Kiddie Crusoe 
31 with Lisa Yingling 
Bel Air Honda
A3 Studio Kids 
Pampered Chef with Michelle Cissel 
TZ Burps 
Taylor Made Contracting
API Auto Repair
Advanced Eye Care
31 with Stacy Parlett
Massage Envy Bel Air 
Northern Chesapeake Insurance
Ticket Liquidator
Scentsy with Chrystie Crawford-Smick
Linganore Winecellars
Saxons Diamond Centers
Fire and Ice White Marsh Mall
Red Lobster Bel Air
Outback Canton
Bob Bauer, Affinity Mortgage
Schwans 
Sweet Mallowy Love 
Kristian Marie Photography 
Get Hooked