This year doesn't suck (as much)

Every year as March rolls around I am always so conflicted.  I'm usually working on plans for Ella and Andrew and Elise's birthdays.  2 of them are "happy" and one is the opposite, but I stay busy and try not to dwell.  Then as April comes and goes I tend to reevaluate my life.  I look at where I was in April/May 2008 (innocent) April/May 2009 (destroyed) 2010 (confused) 2011 (some normalcy) 2012 (wanting more) 2013 (waking up) 2014 (moving on).  It was last year that I started to see a glimpse of the "old" me....the me before Elise's death.  I was certainly a much different person, but the fog was lifting.  I was finally craving living again and here I am another year later living!  It will be 5 years since my life changed so dramatically and I'm finally moving in the right direction!  I still miss her so much and always wonder what might have been, but it doesn't consume me.  I was down on myself this year for not going through with my plan for a big fundraiser for her birthday this year. but now I've realized I've given her something even better...a healthy mom, moving toward happiness, continuing to keep her spirit alive and raise awareness.  I know she would be proud and really, that's all I want as a mom...for my kids to know they are loved and for them to be able to look up to me for courage and strength, like I do them every day!
Very strange to be able to write without crying and also having the last few "unprovoked" cries to be "happy" ones.