"Hell with Hope and A Heartbeat"

WOW, I found out I was pregnant again in July...barely 3 months after Elise passed.  I yelled, I cried, I considered abortion, I was a MESS!  Things were so up in the air with my husband, I was on a path of self destruction and I was SCARED!  I wanted another baby, but I wasn't sure if it was for the right reasons.  What if I was just trying to replace Elise?  What if this baby died too?  What if I can't pull myself together enough to care for this baby properly while growing inside me?  What if I can't handle another child once he/she is born?  What if a million other things...but alas, many ultrasounds, blood draws, doppler readings, and my expanding middle allowed me to share the news...

September 14, 2009

If you've known me through any other pregnancy, then you know that I am usually the type to talk of when we are going to try to concieve, if we are trying, and then keeping a positive test secret for only a few seconds. Obviously this time around was a bit different. OK, a lot different.
First of all, no, we (Mike and I) were not even positive we wanted to try for another baby. Mostly because of our devestation over loosing Elise, but also because of our foggy future together. We went through MANY ups and downs and well, God and Elise both took advantage of those "up" times. I guess they had a plan already set up for us.
I was alone when I found out that I was pregnant and I can't even begin to explain the range of emothions that I litterally felt throughout my body. I didn't tell anyone for days, not even Mike.  Then, for the longest time I think only Mike and 2 friends knew. Slowly I "came clean" to a person at a time. It has taken me this long to finally begin to loose some of my fear and anxiety over telling people. This is largely due to the fact that my growing waistline is making it hard to hide.
I have been (and still am) quite scared to death of carrying another life inside me and giving birth again. I honestly can't really wrap my head around it completey. As hard as I try there is a little bit of trepidation in allowing myself to become too attached to this new life. I waited until after 12 weeks to "announce" it, but for me, the only "safe time" to breathe a sigh of relief will be when I am nursing this little guy or gal for the first time. I dream of this day and try not to let my mind wander too far. This baby deserves it, and so do I.
So, anyway, thank you all for the well wishes and comments of support. They really do mean a lot to me. I do plan to take pictures about once a month in my tinkerbell PJ pants, but the shirt my change...it's already getting a bit tight (I bought it when I was quite pg with Autumn...it fit fine then?!?)
To quote from a blog I read when first reading up on pregnancy after a loss:
"Nine months is a long time to wait to find out if this time it’ll be different. It’s hell. But hell with hope and a heartbeat."