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My Sweet Angel

My Sweet Angel
4/6/09 4:45 pm 4 lbs 1 oz 17 inches

Thursday, March 8, 2012

I cried today

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you, Elise.  It's kinda funny how you don't even need to be here literally pulling on my pant leg, calling my name, or climbing on me for me to feel you and see you and think about you.  I miss you terribly, but I don't dwell on you not being here.  Thinking of you makes me happy, not sad.  I like remembering you and sharing you with others.  I love you so much, like any mother loves her child.
Since you aren't here pulling on me, climbing on me and yelling in my face, I don't often have time to focus solely on you.  Thoughts of you run through my mind at random times.  Lately, as your angelversary approaches (I just had to add that word to my computer's dictionary :)) and as I plan Ella's birthday I think of you a little more and have even had to "snap" back into reality from daydreaming about you.  I was also contacted this week by an Internet Reporter for an article about my Pinterest board about you and grief and healing  Then there was the monthly support group meeting where I shared your story.  It was the first time in a long time that I told your story to someone who didn't know.  I didn't cry talking about you and the days before and after we lost you, but I could feel the lump in my stomach.  I went to sleep thinking a little more about you than usual.  Then this morning I was up at 530 again, thinking about you and the days surrounding your death and the tears just started to flow.  It wasn't so much that I was sad, it was just a release of emotions.  I was just lying in bed, tears streaming down my face, a literal ache in my empty arms, thinking about the events of almost 3 years ago and how I wish things were different!  Don't get me wrong, I am OK with how things have turned out.  I am grateful to be your mom and have embraced my role as an advocate for all babies gone too soon.  I wouldn't change any of it, but oh how I dream about things just being different.
As usual, those other kids are straggling in one by one interrupting my concentration, but I think I OK to stop and post.  I have so many started posts waiting to be uploaded, I don't want this one to end up there as well.
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