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My Sweet Angel

My Sweet Angel
4/6/09 4:45 pm 4 lbs 1 oz 17 inches

Monday, May 23, 2011

You're Invited!!!

I am so excited to announce the details for

Elise’s Honor
Raising Awareness and Remembering Babies lost during Pregnancy
through Miscarriage or Stillbirth
Family Event

Saturday, October 15, 2011
530-830 pm

MacGregor’s Restaurant
331 St. John Street, Havre de Grave

Tickets (before Oct 1)
$30 adults, $15 children under 10, Under 3 FREE

Adult ticket prices will increase by $5 in October
Tickets will only be on sale until Oct 7

Food, Drinks, Dessert, Cash Bar,
DJ, Raffles, Auctions, Entertainment
Candle for Wave of Light Ceremony/Presentation

For more information contact

Proceeds Benefit First Candle, Baltimore MD

Tickets are available to purchase online with a credit card through First Candle's website.
Click HERE!
They can also be purchased from me with cash or check.

Every adult ticket purchased has the option of naming a candle 
in honor of a baby lost in pregnancy for the wave of light ceremony. 

If you are unable to attend, but would still like to participate, 
Donations can be made here:
For a $10 donation, you can also name a candle to be lit at the event.

Another way to become involved is to help this event gain sponsors 
and collect monetary and tangible donations to be used during the event
for raffles and giveaways.
If you, your business or someone you know would like to support this cause, 
please let me know! 
All donations are tax deductible!

If you are unaware of the significance of October 15th, you can find more information here

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My Links

On the right of this page is a section called "My Links"  They are all about Elise...her pregnancy journal, her obituary, the montages I've made for her, some of the "goodies" that have been made for her, etc.
Check them out if you get a chance :)

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mother's Day...from a mother of 5!

So, I know I joke a lot about these kids driving me crazy and wanting to hide from them and while I do mean it, lol, I am truly and deeply honored to be their mother.  I feel so blessed to have the children that I have and for all the ways they have shaped my life.
First there was Emily...a much wanted pregnancy at age 18 that then rocked my teenage self into a new reality.  She was supposed to "save" our relationship...fix it, or so her father and I thought, but alas that wasn't the case.  We were not meant to be...but Emily sure was!  It was because of her I grew up.  A single mom at 18 living in my mother's basement going to college full time in the fall and spring, then working full time in the summer and winter.  By 20, we were on our own.  Living alone in a pretty crappy apartment, but it was all mine.  I paid for it and took care of it, all on my own.  Just like I did my 1 year old little girl.  Again, while going to school and working.  This time I changed my major to my passion, children...teaching children.  Emily showed me how much I loved little people.  Emily taught me discipline and perseverance and selflessness.  She taught me love and patience and caring.  By the time she turned 6, I had finally finished college and earned my bachelor's degree.  I don't know that I would have done that had she not been born.
Then there was Autumn.  If you know Autumn then you know that she can sure teach you a lot!  She was a tough baby, but I loved every minute of it (well, after the first few months anyway).  She represented the life I had always dreamed of.  I was married, teaching, living in a home we just built and now having my second child.
Everything was going so smoothly, so we thought we'd add to the mix.  I was loving life as a stay at home mom, and I wanted more children to stay home with.  Andrew was the perfect addition.  He brought a sense of balance to the family and tossed some testosterone into such an estrogen filled house!  Of course it did take him almost 3 years to realize that he was in fact a boy.
Shortly after he turned 1, we pushed our luck, by trying for a fourth baby.  Who knew I'd again get pregnant on the first try!  I felt like I could conquer the world.  I already had 3 amazing children, a fourth on the way, and so close to getting my master's degree I could taste it!  Life was moving along perfectly.  Of course it wasn't moving smoothly as times were often tough juggling so much, but it was heading in the right direction and the future looked promising!
I'm sure anyone reading this knows how quickly and forcefully it all crashed in front of my face.  Elise's death affected me so deeply.  It changed me.  I know I will come out a better person for it, but that is still a work in progress.  I am truly thankful for my sweet little angel.  She, too, has taught me so much, given me so much.  I have met some amazing people I never would have come in contact with if it wasn't for her.  I could go on and on for days about all that she has done for me, but that isn't my purpose here.  I have her blog for sharing that.
Finally there's Ella.  Ella was (is) absolutely a gift from God (and Elise)  I feel that she was sent here to slow my life down.  It was spiraling downward and out of control quickly in the summer of 2009 when I found out she was coming.  She too, forced me to stop thinking about myself and focus again on my children.  I needed to get myself together, for these beings that I brought into this world.  She continues to show me everyday why I was put on this earth.
It's funny, my E's and A's, both "sets" of children go together.  Emily, Elise, and Ella really made a noticeable impact on the course of my life, while Autumn and Andrew gave fulfillment and simplicity.  I could not imagine a day without any of them in it.  They most definitely  fit the saying that having a child is to forever have your heart live outside your body.  I love each and every one of my children with every fiber of my being and together, all those fibers make me one strong ass mama!!!

Onto my story about Emily that inspired this long winded, sappy note...

Traveling home from visiting my in-laws in New Jersey for Mother's Day, we decided to stop and eat at Denny's.  Our waitress was pretty new to the job and also a new mommy.  She was very friendly and attentive to the kids.  There was a slight mix up in my food order which was simply a miscommunication on both of our parts, but her boss was less than nice about it to her.  Anyway, we paid our bill and left.  As we got to our van, Emily handed me the tip money I left on the table and said that "she got it".  I was touched that she did that, but almost in tears when I heard the rest of the story...
I asked where she got money to leave a tip and she said that her grandmother gave her some before we left New Jersey.  TWICE as much as I had left as a tip originally!  Emily's response, "she was nice, mom"  I love that girl!  She has such a good heart and I couldn't be more proud to be her mommy.  She made my mother's day, and it wasn't even an effort on her part, just her being her

Monday, May 2, 2011


WOW, Like a ton of bricks sadness has swept over me again.  I don't know why, I mean, I know WHY, but I don't know why now.  I've been going about my normal routine and all of a sudden I felt like I was punched in the stomach.  Tears came without warning and I just want to crawl in a hole.  Literally, just a few short hours ago I was happy, enjoying my children and, I don't know, maybe the reality of missing one of them set in.  I miss Elise so much.  I ache for her.  I can't wrap my head around her being gone for 2 years after never really even being here.
April and May are such hard months for me.  The events of those months in 2009 changed me forever.  I try to go on as if I'm OK, but I'm not, really, I'm just not.  Not right now anyway, but what can I do?  Life goes on.  I have 4 children here on earth with me that look to me to take care of feed them, to take them shopping, keep them entertained, etc  I feel like a failure, I am barely able to do these things.  My grief cripples me more often than I care to admit during this time...almost makes me tired and grumpy and easily annoyed and frustrated and lazy.  Then there's the other life stuff that needs attention...bills, cleaning, laundry, phone calls, school work and so on.  I can't seem to get caught up on any of it and that only serves to deepen the depression I am feeling.  That's not to mention the demons I have to deal with everyday as I try to come to terms with my new "normal".  I don't want to deal with any of it, I want to just curl up in bed and have someone wake me when June arrives.
So, here I sit, hoping that writing it out will somehow get it out so that I can move forward...not on, just forward.  I feel as though I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders as I try to walk through quick sand this time of year, but alas, I've been through it before and I know that if I just keep going longer and harder, I will get to slightly more solid ground with slightly less weighing me down.

Reminds me of a song I posted to FaceBook in the summer of 2009:

Rodney Atkins, If You're Going Through Hell

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there.
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