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My Sweet Angel

My Sweet Angel
4/6/09 4:45 pm 4 lbs 1 oz 17 inches

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Today I'm blessed

It’s October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, again.  I have been blessed with the opportunity today to have no real responsibilities and to be able to focus on just Elise.  It’s only noon and I’m exhausted.  I’ve been reading and thinking and even “talking” to her all morning.  I’m receiving comments and messages from friends and loved ones and I’m trying hard not to take it personal when some who I thought would be there for me today are not.  I don’t get nearly enough time, let alone days, to focus on Elise, but like her birthday, I make sure I do today.  I am meeting friends for dinner again tonight.  This will be our second year getting together on this date to celebrate our babies together.   Last year (and the year before) I reflected on this day and again I wanted to take some time to do so now that it has been 4 years.
I continue to feel blessed by Elise.  She has brought so many people and so many opportunities into my life.  I am so extremely grateful to have been chosen to be her mom.  My life has been a whirlwind of events over the last 4 years.  Sad to say, but most have been not so great and kept me down and out for most of that time.  But something happened just after her birthday last year.  I started to see my “old” self again.  It was a new me, yes, but it was more like the “old” me than I have seen in years.  I liked it and I wanted to keep it going.  So I’ve been fighting and digging to keep her.  It has been hard, it still is hard most days, but in the end I know it will be worth it…to get my life back, the one I stopped living in 2009.  I am excited by what is to come.  I’m not going to lie, I’m also scared as hell, but I have faith that it is all going to work out.
Now I can only speak for myself and my experience, but I did want to share that yes, I too, had that moment of brightness in my grief where I could see myself and all that I had to gain by moving forward.  I haven’t forgotten about Elise, I don’t miss her any less, I still have days of crippling sadness, but I am moving up and on.  The death of my daughter most certainly has shaped who I am, but it most certainly has not defined who I am. That I am still working on...
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