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My Sweet Angel

My Sweet Angel
4/6/09 4:45 pm 4 lbs 1 oz 17 inches

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Ella's Baptism Part 2

As I sit at my desk to write this, there is a picture of Elise to my right.  It doesn't "belong" here, it is just where it was sat after Autumn took it to school for her "about me" project the first week.  It was never put back away.  I like to think it's a sign.  I find signs all the time.  Maybe I make them up, for comfort, but comfort they bring so I cling to them.
This day has weighed heavily on my mind.  All the pieces have fallen into place so perfectly.  When I finally decided it was Ella's time to be baptized and knew who I wanted to do it, he agreed.  When we tried to pick a date last Spring, we couldn't coordinate between him, myself and Ella's Godparents.  When I knew the date I wanted in the Fall, there was already another commitment on my calendar, but  it ended up being changed and this date fit perfectly!  16 years ago on Sunday, September 15, my oldest daughter Emily was baptized at 3 months old.  I just knew Ella's had to be either the 15th or the 16th.  My dad was supposed to schedule surgery for sometime this month and I was able to talk him into waiting until after his birthday (September 14), not yet knowing if I would be able to have her Baptism this weekend or not.  It turns out he may not need the surgery as immediately as thought anyway (thank the Lord!).  The date fell into place. 
When I announced the date, there was drama.  Yes, it bothered me that people are so quick to jump to conclusions and create drama about such a special event, but I'm over it, really over it all.  And now with my grandmother's passing less than 2 weeks ago, it seems even more ridiculous for the drama to be around.  But it is NOT MY problem, it is theirs.
As usual, I have been so busy with life, so much has happened in the last few weeks with the kids' school, my mommy group, Autumn's early Birthday party, and the above mentioned events, I haven't really had time to think about the actual Baptism.  But now it is hitting me.  The sheer number of people who are attending to show their love and support is overwhelming.  I am so humbled by their encouragement.  But now that the day is here, it dawns on me what will happen.  My 2 year old will be baptized, by the same man and in the same manner as my newborn baby who died before living outside my body was.  I barely remember Elise's baptism, but what if seeing him do Ella's brings it back.  Will it make me smile or cry?  Probably both.  I wouldn't have this done any other way, but I am scared to death and will truly cherish those in attendance who understand and do not judge.
Again, it is that realization that if Elise did not die, Ella would not be here.  They are both my children, I love them equally, but not the same.  I wouldn't trade either one for the other.  My circumstances are what they are and I no longer wallow in pitty over it, but rater embrace it and cherish it for what it is, for who it has made me and for how lucky I am to be the voice of not just Elise, but of other stillborn babies and grieving mothers.
I know that Elise and the Lord will be present in my house today.  I know that they will both give me strength to feel the range of emotions that will undoubtedly flow through me both during and after this celebration.  I just know that, like most things, I will be too busy dealing with the details of the event to actually experience it until it is over and all is quiet again.  I will miss my daughter a little bit more today and tonight, but I will have comfort in knowing that the Lord is taking care of us all and again, that I have such an amazing support system in place to help me through it.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.  There will be more I'm sure.  There already is more I want to say, but neither the Lord or Elise are going to be cooking food or cleaning the house for Ella's baptism and even though I know my friends would have gladly, OK, maybe not gladly, come help if I had asked them too, I didn't. :)
Oh, and so many of you reading will not be in attendance today, but know that I am still aware of your support and encouragement.  You all mean so much to me and I thank Elise all the time for the people she has brought into my life and those that she has brought closer to me than before.  I know who you are and I thank you!!!
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