I read this blog post that Baby Lilly's mother wrote when it was posted last week and I cried, a lot, so I bookmarked it to come back to later...after all it was Ella's birthday. But boy did it hit me, hard. I think about so many things that are the same with Elise as in this post. Why didn't I know? How could I not know?
So many things would be so different if Elise was born before she died. Not just with Elise, but with my marriage and my life the way it is today. One of those things means Ella wouldn't be here. I can't even begin to describe what a strange thought process it is to think about one of your kids not being here. I mean I think about it every day because one of my kids is not here, but that's different, she never was here, at least not in the outside world.
I always think about Elise more and more this time of year, but I'm also overwhelmed with other things that happen during this time of year, Ella's birthday, Andrew's birthday, Easter, my husband's actions in 2009, and this year add to that the chaos of going through a divorce and being a newly single working mom, it's tough, very tough. Some days it feels too tough, but everyday I get up and I keep going for my kids, the ones that are here and the ones that aren't. And myself. I've put it out there on this blog before so there's no point in continuing to act like it didn't happen, but I realized I have to do for me and doing for me is best for my kids. I want them to be proud of me. I want to be someone they can look up to. In many ways I think I am, in some ways I'm not so sure, but I have to keep trying. I have to keep going for them.
Another reason this year is different is that it plays out the same time wise as it did in 2009 it is believed that Elise died on Saturday April 4th and of course she was delivered on Monday April 6, the same way it falls on the calendar this year. Everything's replaying the same and it's hard not to think about what was happening on all these days 6 years ago and that brings us right back to What If...what if she had been born that day she'd still be alive...
|Me, pregnant with Elise, hiding behind my then 4 year old at a party this time 6 years ago.|
Oh how I wish I didn't hide and had more pictures of Elise!