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My Sweet Angel

My Sweet Angel
4/6/09 4:45 pm 4 lbs 1 oz 17 inches

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Rainbow babies aren't all they're cracked up to be.

I love my rainbow baby.  I can't imagine my life without her, but there is something to be said for letting what is, be.  More often than I care to admit, I wonder how life would be if I listened to what "God" was trying to tell me by taking Elise.  Maybe I did push the envelope by getting pregnant again and having another baby.
Sure I'd always wonder what if, but looking back, I still do.
What if I never had another baby? What if I didn't take my cheating husband back because I was pregnant?  Where would my older children be now?  Where would I be now?  Who would I be today without that last baby defining me?
Do I wish she was never born?  Of course not, but do I imagine how different my life would be without her... Yes... Just like I imagine how different my life would be if Elise lived.
I read so much about how grateful grieving mom's are and I feel like a total piece of shit for not being 100% sure of my decision to go on and have another baby, but as always, maybe, just maybe, there is another mama out there feeling this way, ashamed to admit it, and maybe, just maybe, she'll take some comfort in knowing she's not alone in her thoughts.
Or maybe I'll just get ridiculed by others for feeling the way I do...
Either way, I'll risk it.
I love you, Elise, and all your siblings...
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