It’s October 15th,
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, again.
I have been blessed with the opportunity today to have no real
responsibilities and to be able to focus on just Elise. It’s only noon and I’m exhausted. I’ve been reading and thinking and
even “talking” to her all morning. I’m receiving comments and messages from friends and loved ones and I’m trying hard
not to take it personal when some who I thought would be there for me today are
not. I don’t get nearly enough time, let
alone days, to focus on Elise, but like her birthday, I make sure I do today. I am meeting friends for dinner again
tonight. This will be our second year
getting together on this date to celebrate our babies together. Last year (and the year before) I reflected on this day
and again I wanted to take some time to do so now that it has been 4
years.
I continue to feel blessed by Elise. She has brought so many people and so many
opportunities into my life. I am so
extremely grateful to have been chosen to be her mom. My life has been a whirlwind of events over
the last 4 years. Sad to say, but most
have been not so great and kept me down and out for most of that time. But something happened just after her
birthday last year. I started to see my
“old” self again. It was a new me, yes,
but it was more like the “old” me than I have seen in years. I liked it and I wanted to keep it going. So I’ve been fighting and digging to keep
her. It has been hard, it still is hard
most days, but in the end I know it will be worth it…to get my life back, the
one I stopped living in 2009. I am
excited by what is to come. I’m not
going to lie, I’m also scared as hell, but I have faith that it is all going to
work out.
Now I can only speak for myself and my experience, but I did
want to share that yes, I too, had that moment of brightness in my grief where
I could see myself and all that I had to gain by moving forward. I haven’t forgotten about Elise, I don’t miss
her any less, I still have days of crippling sadness, but I am moving up and
on. The death of my daughter most
certainly has shaped who I am, but it most certainly has not defined who I am. That I am still working on...
