I love my rainbow baby. I can't imagine my life without her, but there is something to be said for letting what is, be. More often than I care to admit, I wonder how life would be if I listened to what "God" was trying to tell me by taking Elise. Maybe I did push the envelope by getting pregnant again and having another baby.
Sure I'd always wonder what if, but looking back, I still do.
What if I never had another baby? What if I didn't take my cheating husband back because I was pregnant? Where would my older children be now? Where would I be now? Who would I be today without that last baby defining me?
Do I wish she was never born? Of course not, but do I imagine how different my life would be without her... Yes... Just like I imagine how different my life would be if Elise lived.
I read so much about how grateful grieving mom's are and I feel like a total piece of shit for not being 100% sure of my decision to go on and have another baby, but as always, maybe, just maybe, there is another mama out there feeling this way, ashamed to admit it, and maybe, just maybe, she'll take some comfort in knowing she's not alone in her thoughts.
Or maybe I'll just get ridiculed by others for feeling the way I do...
Either way, I'll risk it.
I love you, Elise, and all your siblings...
Thursday, November 6, 2014
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2 comments:
Hi Kelly,
My name is Carol Miranda.
I stumbled across your blog through some late-night web surfing(We also lost a baby after our third child.)
My kids and I have had the huge blessing of meeting your children here in Forest Hill. Ella is particularly special to us all. She is exactly what you describe her to be: a rainbow, a ray of sunlight. We love her so much. She is such a special child and she just exudes love and happiness...almost hard to put into words. One can not help but to love her. My kids, including my 20m old, LOVE her; she can even say her name. As a mother of 5, I often think about what a great job you did raising her-- and Drew and Autumn. They are so polite, funny, caring, well-adjusted kids. We are very lucky to have them as our neighbors. I hope that our Lord Jesus Christ continues to heal you and use the memory of Elise to help other moms living through grief.
Oh Carol, thank you so much! I'm so sorry I didn't see it sooner, but at least now I know who you are! I can't thank you enough for all the love you show my children. I hear about your family all the time! Thank you again for your kind words and thoughts!
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