In Response to Two Weeks

Real time for a minute...just 2 weeks shy of 2 years since Elise's death and NOPE not even close to "getting over" "my loss".

I mean I guess I am "functioning".  I never wasn't.  I couldn't.  I had 3 other children that needed me.  Now I have 4.  Yes, it is a little easier to get out of bed each morning and go about my daily tasks with some focus and purpose.  I don't break down nearly as often as I did 2 years ago, and the pain isn't as sharp and raw, but don't be fooled, it's still there. 

EVERY DAY 

I think of Elise many times throughout each and every single day.  I miss her as much now as I did then...maybe even more, for now I am not AS consumed with grief, but rather more focused in reality and the reality is that Elise is not here.  She is not participating in our family in a physical way.  She is most definitely a part of us all daily in an emotional and spiritual way.

Having Ella also changed things.  A lot.  Watching her mature from a baby into a little person really reminds me that Elise would (should) be a little person too.  Age 1-2 is one of my favorite times in a child's life.  The growth and change of a child is just so pronounced during this year.  It's not fair, I shouldn't be wondering what Elise would sound like...what kind of disposition she would have...how she gets along with her siblings...how tall she is...how much she weighs....what her favorite things are.  SHE SHOULD BE HERE, Damn it!

But, alas, if she was here, Ella wouldn't be here...and neither would I...not here blogging and taking part in all that I have over the last 2 years concerning infant and pregnancy loss.

I could go on for days, and I'm sure I will at some point, but for now, my intent is to get "caught up" in posting my writings, so I will digress...for two weeks anyway...