Two Weeks

Monday, April 20, 2009

I wish I was a writer, I would love to be able to put words together to express my feelings and have them not only make sense, but sound "good". But, alas, I know I'm not. I might be a good BSer, but that's different and what I'm feeling can't be BSed.
So, I hope the true owners of these words do not take offense, but rather, if they ever find out I used their blogging, feel something good (see, not the word I want!) knowing their words exactly express my thoughts and feelings. I apologize for not giving credit, but I go a lot of places and read a lot of things and never remember to copy and paste the owner's name...

Today Elise would have been two weeks old. How can two weeks have passed? How can it feel like an eternity and yet like yesterday, all at once? It's been two weeks since I held her and kissed her. Just two weeks since the dreams of our last baby were born and died all on the same day.
Two weeks gone. I don't know how I've managed to get here. And I have no idea how to get through the next minute, the next hour, let alone the next day, the next week, the next year... the rest of my life... without her. I don't know how I'm doing it. It defies all logic and reason.
Addicts say recovery is one day at a time. Grief isn't like that. It's more immediate. It's one breath at a time. And every single one is like sucking in razor blades.
According to the stats, people get over a loss outside of their own immediate family within two weeks. And even when the loss does involve immediate family, people get back to functioning after about 1-2 months. When the loss involves the death of a child? That period of time is extended... to 18-24 months.
Are you kidding me? Two years. I can't do this for two years. I can't go around unable to think, speak, function... how do people do this? How?



More words that are not my own, but these were meant for my sweet Elise on this oh so yucky day...

"Wow, I cannot believe it's been two weeks. It's feels like everyday of this has dragged on endlessly. How did the years we planned turn into seconds we didn't get?
Without knowing you, you quickly became one of the most important people in my life. I imagine you running with my boys in the months to come. Maybe a birthday party with my son in the years ahead. I was hoping you'd make your appearance on that day, because you were so special to me I wanted to share something I had with you!
I feel like this isn't fair, why didn't I even get to meet you? I was so looking forward to your arrival. I find this to be harsh and unfair. Why not someone else? I know that's not the right thing to think or say, but it's exactly how I feel today.
I have stuff for you, that I wanted to give you! I was going to bring it to you in the hospital once you arrived, but now... What now...
Are you sure it's been two weeks? Of course you're not, you're a baby and you can't tell time! Let me tell you, it feels longer and shorter at the same time? I'm going to see your mommy today, give me the guidance on what to say or what not to say!
Thanks Elise, for allowing me to love you. It was a great gift and a powerful lesson."