It's time...

I promised myself when I started this blog for Elise that I would not taint it with this information, but it's time to get it out.  Most people have no idea and I'm tired of pretending.

It pisses me off that people think that Elise's death caused my marriage to end.  While devastating, yes, it is such a small part of why.  It also pisses me off that people think because I stayed married for 4 years after her death that it had nothing to do with its ending.
My husband began cheating on me on my son's 2nd birthday, when I was in the third trimester of my fourth pregnancy (Elise).  It was a difficult pregnancy with physical complications (I had a blood clot in my leg and was on blood thinners among other things) as well as the normal life trials and tribulations of being pregnant with a 12 year old, a 4 year old, and a 2 year old.  I was also finishing my internship for my masters degree at this time.
When I went into labor 4 weeks early, my husband continued on to work that day to see his girlfriend leaving me at home to find a sitter for my small children and head to the hospital to deliver my baby.  Only 30 minutes after she was stillborn, he left me in the delivery room holding her dead body to go out in the hallway to call his girlfriend.  The next morning he again left me in a hospital bed with no baby to hold while he went and called her from Target where he was supposed to be printing pictures of her to show her siblings.  Just 5 days later, at Elise's memorial service, his girlfriend was there.  I found all this out 3 weeks later when I accidentally discovered his affair he told me he was leaving us to be with her.  I kicked him out.  He had no where to go so he stayed at a friend's house while his family was on vacation, but when they returned he again had no where to go so he came back home.  We went back and forth for months splitting up and trying to stay together.  He swore he was sorry and he now wanted to make our marriage better.  Needless to say, I got pregnant.  It was just 3 months after Elise's death and only 1 month after I found out about my husband's infidelity.  I couldn't get divorced now so we gave it our all.  We went to counseling both individually and together.  We implemented strategies to make our marriage stronger and to recover from his affair and deal with our grief over Elise's death.  It didn't last long before everything was back to "normal" the way it had always been.  Mike still insisted he wanted this marriage to work and of course I did too, but every few months we'd argue about how nothing is changing.  Nothing is getting better, in fact as time was going on it was getting worse.  Each year just continued to suck.
I woke up last Spring around Elise's 4th angelversary and finally realized that things were never going to change in my marriage.  It was now long enough.  My husband will never be able to do the things he needed to do to repair the damage he had done in betraying me during the most difficult time in my life.  We would never be able to be happy together as a married couple.  So this time, instead of asking him, I told him it was time for us to separate.  And now here we are divorcing.  Over the last 4 years we had talked about divorce and he always said he did not want to be a part time parent to our children.  For the first 9 months he wasn't.  He saw them at least one day just about every weekend and a couple evenings during the week.  We had a very amicable relationship.  Often he would stay here at "our" house on the couch overnight to be with them.  Then he got a girlfriend.  Don't get me wrong, I was happy to know that he had found another person to spend time with, I had that and it was amazing, but within a month he began choosing her over his children.  He is now content with being a part time parent.  He has said those words to me.  He has chosen to only see the children approximately 20% of the month and nothing more.  I am now working part time for the first time in 10 years and he refuses to "watch" his children unless it is his self selected visitation days.  Often leaving them in the care of my boyfriend.  When his visitation time is over, it's over, he's done and leaves.  It has been a very difficult few months for me juggling the children, household responsibilities, working, etc, but I've never felt better as a woman.  I am a better person and mother than I have been in the last 5 years. I don't know what the future holds for me or my children, but I do know one thing:  I was strong in my decision to finally do what is right and best for all of us and in the end it will all be okay!  We will get through this and not just survive, but thrive!
As with every post I write, I finally decided to make this one to create understanding.  For 5 years now I have been unable to solely think about my little girl.  And I don't know if I ever will be able to.  Without fail a memory of what my husband did to me during the only time I had with my daughter sneaks into my mind.  It's not fair.  It's not fair to me or to her, but it is what it is and now everyone knows and I don't have to hide it any longer.