15 years

 About a month ago I thought about what I was going to write for Elise's blog post this year,  but I couldn't think of anything.  I thought,  well,  maybe this is what happens after 15 years, there just isn't much to say. 

Then, a few days later, I woke up one morning and immediately pulled up my notes app on my phone and began listing thoughts I wanted to write about, and boy has that list grown and shot off into a million tangents. Together we're going to find out how much of that makes it into this writing. 

It started with gratitude, being thankful and grateful for all the blessings you (I) have. 

It is so easy to focus on the bad things that are happening,  the daily crises of life,  that the good things can be taken for granted. 

Life is hard. 

Life isn't fair. 

Easy hard is still hard. 

As humans we like to assign meaning to things.  We like to be able to control outcomes.  Our brains just can't handle that life is often just random. We want to know,  why me?  Am I being punished for something? What lesson is this supposed to be teaching me? What is the higher reason for this? 

I think we should be looking more at what are we going to do next?  How can this motivate me instead of discourage me?

Now,  I am hardly one people would call optimistic, but I'm also not one people would call a downer. You know,  those people who are always complaining,  always miserable.  That's no way to live.  I have sure had more than my fair share of moments where I get on that negative thinking spiral and start to snowball down into thinking about everything that has ever gone wrong. Turning every good thing in my life into a negative.  Perceiving everything negatively. 

Then what happens? It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Next thing you know,  you're perpetually miserable and so is everyone around you. 

Instead,  you've got to look closer what good can come out of this? 

Silver linings and such

So,  to circle back to the reason we're here,  how is Elise's death a good thing?  

That was hard to even write. 

I don't have an answer for that. 

I'm not there yet. 

This is where I am probably supposed to say that her death gave me a deeper appreciation for life,  for my children,  etc. 

But you know what,  I still get frustrated and down about my life and my children.  I still get down right angry sometimes.  For now,  I think the "best" thing I've got,  that I didn't even consciously realize until I heard it come out of my mouth a few months ago, is that I've survived the death of my daughter,  I think I can survive anything