Time

That's what's been on my mind lately

"Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again
But I'm still trying to find it"
Taylor Swift

"The days are long but the years are short"
(Something like that anyway)
No idea if it's a real quote from someone but it's definitely said by moms and old ladies everywhere

This year is a big year for my kiddos.
Autumn turned 18, Ella 13, Drew 16
All milestone ages
27 is a milestone too,  right Emily?
I now have 2 adult children and none under a teenager.

How did I get this old?

My life was always about babies and small children,  now I'm navigating college and driving and boyfriends and such grown up, real life stuff. 
I'm not sure I was cut out for this stage,  it's a whole different stress and exhaustion from what I was thought was tough with young children.

If you know my kids,  you know they are all pretty great.  Kind,  well mannered,  funny,  smart,  just all around good people.  I love the relationship I have with them.  I can't imagine not enjoying their company,  not being grateful that I have the privilege to be in their life,  to watch them grow,  to help guide them.

Because,  of course,  I know what's it like to not have that opportunity.

I've felt it for years,  but with the milestones this year I felt it more pronounced.
I spend the entire month of March trying to make things special to celebrate Ella and Drew while they share a birth month (and sometimes Easter) Then bam almost overnight we have to switch gears to celebrate Elise. This is the first year in a while that we are able to be together all day without restrictions.... no school,  no covid, I took the day off work. We don't have a big elaborate plan today,  we're mostly a fly by the seat of our pants kind of planners,  but we will spend the day together doing something just a little different,  just a little special to celebrate our family and their sibling they never got to meet.

I often wonder if I'm doing them a disservice by continuing this tradition.  Like isn't 14 years long enough to let it go?  But no,  that's just ṭypical mom guilt,  over thinking every decision,  questioning every choice to be sure it is in their best interest.   We don't spend the day in bed crying,  we get out and live to celebrate life,  to celebrate each other and our family,  because she is a part of our family.  It is important to remember and celebrate and share the people we love.

Just as we celebrate each of our birthdays and as most people take time to remember those they have loved who have passed. Elise's life touched many. I felt the love and support of so many back in 2009 and still to this day. If you didn't know us then or if you've never experienced this type of loss, you might not fully understand the devastation. But the love is real and my commitment to continuing to share the light that Elise brought is important.  

For me, as contradictory as it may sound, celebrating Elise is in part a celebration of survival, my survival. 

There are days when I am grief stricken and angry and cry that she isn't here with us,  that our life went so far off course,  but mostly I celebrate,  we celebrate,  all that we do have,  all that we are grateful for,  all the love that we have to share with each other. 

Thank you for sharing with us