Worth Repeating

I have so many new followers on Facebook, I am so grateful for the support!  I wanted to take a moment to highlight some of the blog for you/them.  I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing from start to end, it is rather depressing and upsetting, not to mention time consuming.  Yet, I know there are some folks who have done just that, some more than once and I am humbled by your choice to take this journey with me.  For everyone else, I thought I'd lay out some of the basics for you here real quick.

The blog came to be as an extension of my Facebook page.  I had joined Facebook just 2 months before Elise was born, so I was still very "into" it.  I, of course, had many status updates about my pregnancy and my grief, but I also shared MANY "notes" about what I was going through.  I had wanted to make a blog for Elise for a long time, but was worried I wouldn't be able to tend to it as I'd like.  I haven't and that upsets me, it's like a visual reminder of the lack of time I can purposely devote to her, but I am OK with it.  I forgive myself for it.  I started the blog just shy of 2 years after losing Elise.  As of today it has been around for almost 2 years itself.  I took all those Facebook notes and copied them over as entries on the blog.  Many are songs or poems or other "borrowed" writings that you can look through at your leisure, if you so desire.  Maybe one day I'll put the all into 1 blog post too.  I'll add it to my list of drafts.

But for now, onto the topic at hand:


Obviously it all starts with Elise's Birth Story, the day I thought I was going into labor to have my fourth child 4 weeks early...I wrote it just 2 days after delivering Elise, it is filled with raw emotion yet I attempted to stay focused on the facts.

Four days later was Elise's Memorial.

Two weeks later, I wrote about how I was feeling.

During this week I finished grad school.  I did my exit Interview and turned in my final project.  I knew I was cutting it close with Elise's due date just a week away, but I had hoped and prayed she would wait until the day after my Interview to be born...So, Now what?

Just another short week later was Elise's Due Date.

Then all of a sudden it was two months later.

This is a post I made at almost five months later.

And then I announced my pregnancy with Ella.

Before I knew it it was 6 months later.

Autumn, my 5 year old,  puts things in perspective.

As the new year (2010) approached, I asked my friends for help...

Nine months later, I almost missed it!

This year, Good Friday came before her "angelversary".

We celebrated Elise's first Angelversary by releasing butterflies with friends and family.

Here, 2 years later, I reflect on the actual day Elise died.

On her second Angelversary I shared some new media.

Emily, Mike and I went to hear Dr. Joanne Cacciatore speak courtesy of The Sweet Pea Project on April 6, that year.  It was such an amazing evening, I still haven't finished writing the blog entry about it, BUT just a few days later, we, the kids and I, released butterflies we raised for Elise near her tree.

I spent the next 6 months working almost non-stop on Elise's Event for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Here, I reflect on the event.

Unfortunately, not much has been written on here since then.  I don't even have the post for her third angelversay, where we released lanterns, finished and published.  Boy, that really hits hard.  I spend a lot of my "Elise" time back on Facebook and the page for the blog, but I really need to get those things back over here again.  I'll put that too on my list of things to do...

Reflecting on October 15, 2012

I posted last year, after Elise's Event, about my history with International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (October 15), but I want to take some time to "update" on how I saw things this year.
First of all, I am overwhelmed, grateful, and humbled by all the support I was shown.  People I barely know or haven't seen in years lit candles for me and Elise.  It meant so very much to me.  Friends gathered with me to share their babies over dinner, other friends sent messages, posts, and more to let me know they were thinking of me.  Elise is loved.  Her life is remembered!  How awesome is that?!?!
Second, the number of people who spoke out about the day was completely amazing!  Of course there were those, like me, who speak out often and I "expected" to see their posts and their pictures.  But then there were so many more...People speaking of losses I didn't know about (maybe no one or only a very few people knew)...People who have never experienced a loss supporting those who have...I am still in awe!
I want to thank you for reading this, for sharing in my journey, for helping to keep the memory of my little girl alive.  She was never able to breathe the air in this world, but she has made an impact on it.  I am so blessed to have been given the privilege to be her mommy.  Naturally, I would love to still be ignorant to the fact that not all pregnancies end with healthy, living babies, but if I had to endure the pain, it is somewhat reassuring to know that it is helping others.
I've shared these pictures on Facebook, but want to get it on here as well.  It is Elise's candle from last year, along with others candle's and some "new" names...

Ella's Baptism Part 2

As I sit at my desk to write this, there is a picture of Elise to my right.  It doesn't "belong" here, it is just where it was sat after Autumn took it to school for her "about me" project the first week.  It was never put back away.  I like to think it's a sign.  I find signs all the time.  Maybe I make them up, for comfort, but comfort they bring so I cling to them.
This day has weighed heavily on my mind.  All the pieces have fallen into place so perfectly.  When I finally decided it was Ella's time to be baptized and knew who I wanted to do it, he agreed.  When we tried to pick a date last Spring, we couldn't coordinate between him, myself and Ella's Godparents.  When I knew the date I wanted in the Fall, there was already another commitment on my calendar, but  it ended up being changed and this date fit perfectly!  16 years ago on Sunday, September 15, my oldest daughter Emily was baptized at 3 months old.  I just knew Ella's had to be either the 15th or the 16th.  My dad was supposed to schedule surgery for sometime this month and I was able to talk him into waiting until after his birthday (September 14), not yet knowing if I would be able to have her Baptism this weekend or not.  It turns out he may not need the surgery as immediately as thought anyway (thank the Lord!).  The date fell into place. 
When I announced the date, there was drama.  Yes, it bothered me that people are so quick to jump to conclusions and create drama about such a special event, but I'm over it, really over it all.  And now with my grandmother's passing less than 2 weeks ago, it seems even more ridiculous for the drama to be around.  But it is NOT MY problem, it is theirs.
As usual, I have been so busy with life, so much has happened in the last few weeks with the kids' school, my mommy group, Autumn's early Birthday party, and the above mentioned events, I haven't really had time to think about the actual Baptism.  But now it is hitting me.  The sheer number of people who are attending to show their love and support is overwhelming.  I am so humbled by their encouragement.  But now that the day is here, it dawns on me what will happen.  My 2 year old will be baptized, by the same man and in the same manner as my newborn baby who died before living outside my body was.  I barely remember Elise's baptism, but what if seeing him do Ella's brings it back.  Will it make me smile or cry?  Probably both.  I wouldn't have this done any other way, but I am scared to death and will truly cherish those in attendance who understand and do not judge.
Again, it is that realization that if Elise did not die, Ella would not be here.  They are both my children, I love them equally, but not the same.  I wouldn't trade either one for the other.  My circumstances are what they are and I no longer wallow in pitty over it, but rater embrace it and cherish it for what it is, for who it has made me and for how lucky I am to be the voice of not just Elise, but of other stillborn babies and grieving mothers.
I know that Elise and the Lord will be present in my house today.  I know that they will both give me strength to feel the range of emotions that will undoubtedly flow through me both during and after this celebration.  I just know that, like most things, I will be too busy dealing with the details of the event to actually experience it until it is over and all is quiet again.  I will miss my daughter a little bit more today and tonight, but I will have comfort in knowing that the Lord is taking care of us all and again, that I have such an amazing support system in place to help me through it.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.  There will be more I'm sure.  There already is more I want to say, but neither the Lord or Elise are going to be cooking food or cleaning the house for Ella's baptism and even though I know my friends would have gladly, OK, maybe not gladly, come help if I had asked them too, I didn't. :)
Oh, and so many of you reading will not be in attendance today, but know that I am still aware of your support and encouragement.  You all mean so much to me and I thank Elise all the time for the people she has brought into my life and those that she has brought closer to me than before.  I know who you are and I thank you!!!

Ella's Baptism

It just wasn't very important for me to have Ella baptized when she was born.  I don't know why, I don't even think there was a reason why, really.  I guess I just had enough going on with a new baby, grief, marriage, 3 other children, etc, it just wasn't very high on the priority list.  We weren't big church goers, I don't even have a church that I call home.  All four of my children were baptized a different religion...the oldest, Lutheran, the middle, Catholic, the boy, Methodist, and Elise, non denominational.  Yes, she was baptized in the hospital the night I delivered her...I'd pay money, and a lot of it, to have a recording of that now.  The hospital sent in the Chaplin on call to speak with us and he asked if we wanted her baptized.  We liked him a lot.  We asked him to officiate her Memorial Service later that week, Good Friday to be exact, and he did.  Almost everyone in attendance commented on how wonderful he was.  I wanted him to Baptize Ella.  I thought it would be fitting.  I asked and he said yes!  The hardest part was coordinating a date between him, her Godparents and us, but we finally have it set and I can't wait!
I wish there wasn't so much drama surrounding it.  Why a single person has felt the need to continually create drama about it is beyond me.  But it is what it is and I can't change others, so I move forward knowing that the people who love Ella and support me will be there for her on her special day.
I'm not big on mailing out invitations anymore.  I just don't have the time to get them made, address them and mail them.  Am I lazy, maybe, but busy seems more like it!  There are a few people who I do need to mail an invitation to.  Most of them are out of town and not easily accessible online, so I bought some blank notecards with a cross on the front and figured I'd just print an invitation to put inside.  I did a quick search for ideas and found this quote, not once, but TWICE:

May the Lord give His angel 

charge over you,

to guide you in all your ways.

Psalm 91:11

Maybe I'm crazy, but it took my breath away.  I don't care if I'm crazy, I like thinking that you are indeed watching over us all.  So drama or no drama, I'm going to bed with hope in my heart that Elise will be there with us as Pastor Nick baptizes her baby sister in just over a month.  

If you are local and reading this, you are welcome to join us.  I only officially invited  my family and immediate friends, but anyone who would like to attend is welcome.  The support from my friends is truly amazing and the only thing that keeps me going some days!

I cried today

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you, Elise.  It's kinda funny how you don't even need to be here literally pulling on my pant leg, calling my name, or climbing on me for me to feel you and see you and think about you.  I miss you terribly, but I don't dwell on you not being here.  Thinking of you makes me happy, not sad.  I like remembering you and sharing you with others.  I love you so much, like any mother loves her child.
Since you aren't here pulling on me, climbing on me and yelling in my face, I don't often have time to focus solely on you.  Thoughts of you run through my mind at random times.  Lately, as your angelversary approaches (I just had to add that word to my computer's dictionary :)) and as I plan Ella's birthday I think of you a little more and have even had to "snap" back into reality from daydreaming about you.  I was also contacted this week by an Internet Reporter for an article about my Pinterest board about you and grief and healing  Then there was the monthly support group meeting where I shared your story.  It was the first time in a long time that I told your story to someone who didn't know.  I didn't cry talking about you and the days before and after we lost you, but I could feel the lump in my stomach.  I went to sleep thinking a little more about you than usual.  Then this morning I was up at 530 again, thinking about you and the days surrounding your death and the tears just started to flow.  It wasn't so much that I was sad, it was just a release of emotions.  I was just lying in bed, tears streaming down my face, a literal ache in my empty arms, thinking about the events of almost 3 years ago and how I wish things were different!  Don't get me wrong, I am OK with how things have turned out.  I am grateful to be your mom and have embraced my role as an advocate for all babies gone too soon.  I wouldn't change any of it, but oh how I dream about things just being different.
As usual, those other kids are straggling in one by one interrupting my concentration, but I think I OK to stop and post.  I have so many started posts waiting to be uploaded, I don't want this one to end up there as well.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa.....
I wrote to you as a child,
and you fulfilled my every wish.
I was wondering now,
If I could add to that list.

You see I lost my Baby to Heaven,
So you don't have to stop for her this year.
But could you add a few more stops,
for Friends that I hold so dear.

Santa they don't ask for much,
but they hurt so bad inside.
Could you find a way to lift their hearts,
during this Christmas Yule-tide.

There will be no comfort for them,
as they nestle in their beds,
no dreams of sugar plums,
dancing in their heads.

Just dreams of their lost Babies,
and memory's they hold so dear,
So Santa could you grant them,
strength for the coming year..... ♥

Author Unknown

Merry Christmas to all the babies in Heaven
And peace to those who love and miss them.

A Bereaved Parent's Christmas

'Twas the month before Christmas and I dreaded the days, 

I knew I was facing  the holiday craze. 

The stores were all filled with holiday lights, 

In hopes of drawing customers by day and by night. 

As others were making their holiday plans, 

My heart was breaking - I couldn't understand. 

I had lost my dear child a few years before, 

And I knew what my holiday had in store. 

When out of nowhere, there arose such a sound, 

I sprang to my feet and was looking around, 

Away to the window I flew like a flash, 

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash 

The sight that I saw took my breath away, 

And my tears turned to smiles in the light of the day. 

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, 

But a cluster of butterflies fluttering near. 

With beauty and grace they performed a dance, 

I knew in a moment this wasn't by chance. 

The hope that they gave me was a sign from above, 

That my child was still near me and that I was loved. 

The message they brought was my holiday gift, 

And I cried when I saw them in spite of myself. 

As I knelt closer to get a better view, 

One allowed me to pet it - as if it knew - 

I needed the touch of its fragile wings, 

To help me get through the holiday scene. 

In the days that followed I carried the thought, 

Of the message the butterflies left in my heart - 

That no matter what happens or what days lie ahead, 

Our children are with us - they're not really dead. 

Yes, the message of the butterflies still rings in my ears, 

A message of hope - a message so dear. 

And I imagined they sang as they flew out of sight, 

"To all bereaved parents - We love you tonight!"

Author Unknown

I don't want to upset anyone, but

I've been seeing a lot of people arriving at the end of their pregnancies lately.  Naturally they are excited and uncomfortable.  The end of pregnancy complaining doesn't really bother me. I know for a lot of BLMs it does bother them and that's ok, but for me, I understand the feeling of being done and ready to move on to the next chapter.  What does bother me is the fact that so many people fail to realize (or at least acknowledge) that the next chapter may not be what you are expecting.

I keep seeing all the ticker updates of babies who are 35, 36, 37 weeks and reading mom's plans and excitement, which is great, I am happy for them, but at the same time I want to shake them (or post on their FB wall at least) IMAGINE YOUR BABY DIEING TODAY!  Imagine going into labor thinking now is the time to meet this new little person only to wind up holding a lifeless body and leaving the hospital empty handed.  What a horrible thought, who would ever want to think that for even a second...but maybe if they did, they would have just an ounce of compassion and empathy for what happened to me...I mean REAL compassion and empathy, the kind where your heart hurts.  It's almost impossible to fully comprehend the tragedy of losing a baby if you have not experienced it.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but this is the closest way another person could "feel my pain" without actually experiencing it...then maybe people wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it.

Don't get me wrong, I am so very fortunate to have so many wonderful friends who support me, but there seem to be some who just don't get it.  It is these people I want to message and ask them to imagine my situation for a second, but alas, it probably isn't proper and I would just look like more of a nut.  BUT, my hope in posting this is that if another BLM were to come across this having had this same feeling, she will know she isn't alone and she isn't crazy.  I mean after all, that's a lot of what this blog is here for.

In Hope and Healing,
Kelly

Elise's Honor Event Pictures

The photographer (J Thomas Photography) who not only attended and took pictures for free, but also OFFERED (it didn't even occur to me to contact someone to take pictures at the event) AND donated a portrait session has posted the photos taken at the event HERE.  You do need to "sign in" by providing an e-mail address, but I've never gotten any spam (or any e-mail for that matter) from them, so have no fear and check them out!

Reflections of Oct 15

The day has come and gone.  I want to share the event, but first I want to explain how it came to be.
It's funny how the brain (heart?) is able to remember such things.  I would have to think long and hard about what I did last Wednesday, but I can tell you exactly what I was doing on Oct 15 2009, 2010 and 2011.  I realize it is a "holiday" (for lack of a better term) for me now, but I'm not even sure I could recall Christmas 2010 without much thought and focus.  I guess Elise is lucky in that she gets to have 2 dates special for her.
October 15, 2009 was a Thursday.  I was new to the whole "baby loss" thing and wanted to light a candle for the Wave of Light at 7 pm, but I was alone in my car, driving to Ocean City for the teachers convention.  I remember driving down Rt 113 when I looked at the clock and saw it was a few minutes past 7.  I thought about Elise and even "talked" to her for a bit, but that was it.
October 15, 2010 was a Friday.  This year my entire family was in Ocean City with me (I was nursing a newborn).  I wasn't exactly prepared for the Wave of Light, but I made sure we were at the house at 7 to light a candle.  I found a little flip flop candle holder with a tea light in it and we sat it in the middle of the kitchen table.  We all sat at the table and talked about Elise and other babies that were in heaven.  I think we then went out for Ice Cream.  I remember thinking to myself that it just wasn't enough.  It didn't seem right that we just lit our own candle and remembered alone.  It was that night that I realized Oct 15, 2011 was going to be a Saturday and I wasn't going to let it pass so quietly!  I knew right then and there that I wanted to do something "big" for everyone to share in and be educated about.
I had a picture in my mind of a "bull roast" where people would come together to light candles and remember.  After arriving home from the beach, I was soon bombarded with Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I had to put my plan on the back burner til after the new year.  Once January hit, I began researching how to go about hosting this bull roast.  I knew that it would inevitably make money and I had to have somewhere for that money to go.  I scanned several websites looking for exactly who I wanted to raise the money for.  There are actually a lot of baby loss nonprofits out there.  Most of them are small and I considered a few to help them grow and make a real difference.  While on one website, I actually found a fundraising how to booklet download and I felt like I struck gold!  I really had no idea what I was doing or how to go about doing it, I just knew what I WANTED to do!
I went back to the homepage of the organization with the booklet and had to do a double take when I saw that their address was in Reisterstown, Maryland!  I knew this was the organization I wanted to raise money for! In March I contacted First Candle and began the planning for Elise's Honor Pregnancy Loss Remembrance and Awareness Event!  By April I had the location booked, May brought the flyer and the DJ, and June started the fundraising.  So many hours were spent finding the contact info for companies, e-mailing people, writing sponsorship letters, mailing letters and dropping off letters at local businesses.

I received a lot of rejections.  It was hard not to take it personally.  Every response that was "unable to help" was like a punch in the stomach.  Of course I understand the economy is tough and many places get an overwhelming number of requests, but really, what’s a $20 gift certificate going to set you back?  I was glad to at least get the response.  Many (MANY) places just didn’t even bother to respond.  At least a few places seemed to have read my request.  It took the sting out of rejection some when they offered condolences.  I mean part of my reason for doing this was to educate people, so at least I know if they read my request they probably learned something.  I will say that there is one company in particular who I feel let down by…I have spent literally HUNDREDS of dollars there and well, won’t be spending any more.

When all was said and done, I had almost 50 raffle baskets each worth about $100 each from donations.  Raffle ticket and 50/50 ticket sales were over $1000 the night of the event.  Personal donations and corporate cash donations equaled almost $1000.  Admission tickets were pretty much what the venue cost, so no money was made there.  I didn’t spend much on items for the event (candles, raffle tickets, stuff for the kids, etc) so all in all, I believe First Candle will receive about $1700 from the event. 

It felt almost like planning a wedding.  Months and months of preparations and preparing, sleepless nights, anticipation and then in a flash it was all over.  It happened so quickly I barely remember it!

Of course, my children knew we were having an event for Elise.  When we arrived at the restaurant and went inside to set up, my four year old son (who was barely 2 when Elise died) looked around and asked, “Where’s Elise?”  I swear these children keep me on my toes.  I stopped what I was doing and sat down with him to explain that Elise wasn’t there; she was in Heaven, where she will always be.  The evening was about remembering and celebrating that she was once here, on Earth with us, in my belly.  I’m still not sure he understands.  I am pretty sure he thinks Elise somehow turned into Ella, I mean they both were in my belly and only Ella came out.

I couldn’t have asked for a better evening.  It was a little cool out, but not cold, not raining so we were able to use the balcony at the restaurant.  About 70 people came out that night; over 50 adults and almost 20 children.  The food was delicious (and we didn’t run out!)  There was a lot of conversation and I believe everyone had a good time.

I am waiting on the photographer to upload the photos he took at the event.  When he does I will update, but this is the link if you would like to sign up to be notified when the pictures are uploaded.  Here are a few that I took with my camera of the candles that were lit for the “Wave of Light” from 7-8.