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My Sweet Angel

My Sweet Angel
4/6/09 4:45 pm 4 lbs 1 oz 17 inches

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Two Months Later

Here is where things change.  My life changed forever again in May of 2009.  A major rift was made in my marriage.  My husband and I argued, fought, yelled, cried and separated both emotionally and physically.  We did this several times in the months that came.  Even two years out we are still doing it.  It was NOT because of Elise.  Her death and the grieving that followed compounded the situation, but was NOT the root of our issues.  I do not want any of what happened between my husband and I to contaminate my sweet angel's place, so I will leave it at that, BUT I think it is an important fact that needs to be included in how life moved forward since her passing...

June 9, 2009

Saturday was 2 months since the worst thing that could ever happen to a woman happened to me. These are the thoughts I wrote on that day...

My life would be so different if my sweet angel were here.
My heart would be full of joy instead of broken into only small pieces of momentary happiness.
My marriage wouldn’t be so much of a daily struggle.
Sure, many of the events that have transpired in the 2 months since her death would still exist and I would be exhausted as the mother of a newborn, a toddler, a preschooler and a teenager, but I truly believe her precious little life could have minimized all the damage that has been done to this family.
I don’t know why God took her and I may never understand it, but I do accept it. He did have a reason.
Maybe it is for the best, but it just doesn’t make sense.
I have so much love for her, but don’t know what to do with it.
I get so angry that I am not able to enjoy my other children as much as I should, that I can’t think back to the day I delivered my very own angel without getting lost on a tangent of bad thoughts.
I blame so many people and am so confused about what happens next.
I hope and pray that these next few days of “alone time” really do provide me clarity and bring some peace back into my life.

I love you Elise and miss you more than words can even begin to say…


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