A Dozen Years

She's always around,  always there somewhere, but sometimes she's more noticeable.  For the last 2 weeks she's been very noticeable. It is her birthday after all.

I can't even wrap my head around the fact that it's been 12 years.  12 years that I've been trying to put my thoughts and feelings into words in hopes it may help me to just get it out, or maybe educate someone, or even better, help someone going through a similar experience.

14 years ago I "knew" my first and only person who had a stillbirth.  Baby Hannah.  I "met" her mother online in a babywearing chat group.  Andrew was an infant and I remember reading her story and sobbing as I nursed my newborn.  I couldn't even imagine the devastation,  but then it passed. 

 

2 years later I had my own,  still with no idea it really happened to normal everyday people.  I mean I had a blood clot and other unexplained issues for the first time in 4 pregnancies,  but never did I imagine my baby would die inside of me and I'd have no idea.  

Then it happened. 

I spent hours upon hours reading other stories online trying to make sense of it all,  and trying to find my place in the world with others words.  I still had 3 kids and a cheating husband at home and was finishing my masters degree.  It was quite a mess,  but with the help of  a few amazing friends I navigated my way through and eventually gave birth to Ella just 3 weeks shy of Elise's first birthday.

  

I remember every single "birthday" we've celebrated.  Early on it was with all our friends and family then eventually it just became the kids and I. I looked back on this blog to see what I wrote about last year and realized I didn't publish it.  

I didn't finish it.  

Talk about a punch in the gut.  

I'm all she has to keep her memory alive and I dropped the ball.  

We were deep in the start of a national pandemic, everything was closed,  everyone was ordered to stay home.  What else better did I have to do? It still kills me to think about,  but I'm trying to show myself some grace.  It was a pandemic,  it was different,  it was weird,  it was isolating and confusing.  So many people were out of work and I was still going in to my office everyday while my kids were home from school.  I really didn't know which end was up most days,  but again I just did my best to navigate through. 

We decided to order carry out from a local eatery last year.  There was no dining in restaurants at this point so we had a picnic dinner in the yard and planted flowers around the house. Not our typical outing doing something fun that she might enjoy,  spending her day enjoying each other,  but we did the best we could and still managed to make memories for and of her.  

This year,  we still haven't quite figured out what we're doing,  but we will do something, in Elise's honor. 

This is what 12 years and 3 cars does to a picture.  

Debating if I want to put a new one up.