A Teenage Reflection

Today (yesterday as of posting) is Elise's 13th birthday/angelversary. I still don't know what to call it,  but it's a milestone.  A teenager as society refers to the length of time 13 years is from birth. Here's what I've been feeling lately.  With such a long time passing, it's less "about" Elise as it is more about my journey being her mother. 

13 years ago I was a mom, wife and student.  That's it,  that's all I did. Took care of kids,  a house,  my family and went to an internship and classes to finish my master's degree. 

I never intended to quit teaching permanently. I started grad school just before having Autumn and continued through Andrew.

Elise wasn't part of the plan.  I mean we did decide to have one more after a lot of discussion but the original plan was to stop after Drew.  Then Elise came so quickly once we decided, I hadn't finished school. So there I was,  mom of a teenager, preschooler and toddler,  trying to juggle pregnancy and grad school.  I was set to graduate late April and Elise was due early May so I had it all under control,  until I didn't.  

Everything imploded in an instant.

My daughter died inside me,  questioning my motherhood.
My husband was cheating on me questioning my worth as a wife and the integrity of my family.
And at this point who really cares about a Master's Degree. But somehow I finished and graduated cum laude even.  That part still makes me scratch my head.  I didn't go to graduation,  my degree just showed up in the mail one random day,  not meaning much. 

Eventually my husband and I divorced and all I was left with were my children, including a new one,  my rainbow,  Ella Faith.

I had no choice but to reclaim my motherhood.  

It took a loooooooong time.  

Hell, I'm still working on it,  but deep down it's still who I am at my core.

Except now I'm the single mother of an adult,  2 teenagers, a preteen, and an angel just doing the best I can.

Even if some days that means forcing my ass out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other to get through another day.  

Some days are easier than others.  Some months are easier.  I've even had a few pretty good years, but sometimes it just weighs on me and things are harder to understand and deal with.  

But I know it will pass.  

I look at my amazing children and remember what I'm fighting for and know in my heart it's all going to be ok one day.