Return to Zero

A few months ago I heard through the grapevine, aka Facebook, that there was a movie being produced that centered around stillbirth.  Great, I thought,  but I know there have been others and not much has come of them.  Then I found out this one was different, it was a "real" Hollywood film,  with real actors, hmmm.  THEN I read the synopsis and almost fell over...wait, that's my life!  AWESOME!  I'm looking forward to this!  THEN, I found out about an amazing opportunity to have Elise included in the film credits!  Of course a movie of this topic is not getting the big bucks banking that Hollywood movies usually do, so the movie people are asking for help from "the babyloss community" (and other citizens) and in return are offering the opportunity to dedicate an “In Loving Memory of…” credit at the end of the film. The donation amount for this is $250.  Not a whole lot of money, but still, a WHOLE LOT of money!  I have been debating back and forth, then the deadline started to roll around and I started thinking about it more.  Now the deadline is in just 3 days and I've decided I really want to do it.  Elise is worth $250 (and a whole lot more) but I have to be realistic in that I also have 4 living children to think about and for me, $250 is a bit of a financial strain on our family.  Then (the teacher in me is cringing at my non use of varied transition words!) I remembered Madison and how many people came together to help her out.  Yeah, this situation is totally different, but as I browsed the funding site for her when it was first created, I found that people were asking for funding for all sorts of stuff, so I thought, why not me?  Why not Elise?  I only need $250.  That's only $5 from 50 people or $10 from 25 or $20 from 13!  I have over 400 friends on Facebook!  I'm also in the Fundraising mode as I have been working on Elise's Bingo and other things for the mom's group I help run.  I've been asking for money for months, but not for me, not for Elise.  This time, the money would directly benefit us, why not ask?  What can it hurt?  So here it is, my request for your help and support.  Please help me share this request, not just to get me money, but to share my sweet Elise's story and to promote this wonderful film project.  Thank you!
http://www.gofundme.com/2fvess

A Miracle for Madison

I don't usually post this kind of stuff, but this little girl and her family could use all the prayers she can get.  I barely know her, but I do and I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through.  For her to be "fine" one day and then being checked for brain activity the next is horrific!  Please, take a moment and say a prayer for them, if you do that sort of thing.  And when you check out the link below, don't look at it as another request for money, that is not why I am sharing it, but look at all the people who are coming together to support this family during this trying time.  Many do not even know this sweet girl or her family.  Though I sometimes wonder, this is proof that humanity has not lost all it's compassion.  It is a great reminder for us all that the world does care and that, as we all know, life is short, you gotta make it count!  Thanks for reading...
http://www.gofundme.com/25odkg?pc=fb_cr

Just 2 days after being diagnosed with Leukemia, it was determined that Maddie's brain had no activity and the next day she took her last breath here on earth.  Please continue to keep her family and friends in your thoughts.
 

Why I blog

I was talking with another mama the other day about why I blog.  Is it for me or for others?  What do I get from it?  What do I hope others get from it?

In my very first post on the blog, I said that I was "creating a written tribute to my sweet angel"  That is how it started, the blogging part anyway.  Before that, came all the Facebook posts though.  Those were more for information.  People wanted to know how Elise died, but who wants to ask someone that?  So I posted it.  That way people didn't have to ask.  Then I shared songs, poems, other pieces of writings others have shared to try to explain how I was feeling.  Every once in a while, I would throw in my own thoughts, but it was mostly words borrowed from others, again, just trying to share what I was going through.
Then I caught up to real time and was able to focus more on my own words.  My words to Elise and about Elise.  My words about me and how I was feeling.  But why?  Why was I doing this?  To journal my thoughts, yes, I needed an outlet to get it all out, everything I was thinking and feeling.  But why not in a notebook or in a Word Document, why online?  In a word, understanding.  My hope was, is, to create understanding among people.  People who have not experienced a loss, what it is like, and people who have to know that someone out there does understand what they are thinking and feeling.
Putting myself out there like this, is a double edged sword.  I have had countless people tell me that my willingness to speak up about my loss has made them more comfortable to also speak up or just deal with their own loss in general.  Then there are those who use my words against me or as an opportunity to twist them to their own advantage.  I have never been anything but honest, with myself and my readers, and I am truly grateful for those who choose to walk this path with me in understanding, whatever their underlying motives are.  I know some do it to support me, some to support themselves and I am humbled by both!  I blog for me and for you.  I get to release my feelings and I get to help others understand.  I get to keep my angel alive, if only through memory!  I wish I was able to do so more regularly and with slightly less trepidation and slightly better mechanics, but it is what it is and I'll take it!  I do it all in Elise's Honor!
Thanks for reading and remembering my Sweet Elise! :)

Elise's Birthday Bingo!

I announced the details on Facebook less than 2 weeks ago and have already sold out over half of the event!  I am so humbled by the support from friends and family!  Here are the details if you would like to attend or donate (or help with soliciting donations! :))

Join us to celebrate Elise's 4th Birthday with a BINGO benefiting ChesapeakeMommies.com, a local mom's group in Harford and Cecil Counties that has been of tremendous support to me during and since Elise's death.

Bingo will be held at the Bel Air American Legion Post #55,
115 N Bond St, Bel Air, MD 21014, (across from the Bel Air Bakery) on Saturday, April 6, 2013 from 6-9 pm.

Tickets are $12 in advance and $15 at the door for 15 games of Bingo
UPDATE:  WE ARE SOLD OUT!!!
Extra "cards" will be available to those who have a ticket as well as a 50/50 and probably even some raffles!
This is a family friendly event, bring the kids!
There will be light food and drink for sale during the event as well.
Hope to see you there!

As of now, the event is only listed here, on ChesapeakeMommies, and on Facebook.


Elise's Honor and ChesapekeMommies would like to thank the following companies/individuals, in no particular order, for their donations to our BINGO Fundraiser on April 6.  Be sure to keep checking back as the list will continue to be updated until the event has passed!

Susanne Howard
The Nance Family
Jess Sparwasser
Julie Hauhn
Jennifer Powell
Gerry Outten
Steven Outten 
Luise McCants
Stacy Parlett
Shelly Layfield
Laura Knapp 
Danielle Lowry-Suit
Amanda Johnson
Laura Barcena
Rachel Myers
Sarah Rawlings
Melanie Watson
Julie Foresta 
Judy Churn 
Stephanie Murphy, Island Escapes Therapeutic Massage
Jackie McDonald Tastefully Simple
Stroller Strides of Harford County
Chick Fil A Forest Hill
Chesapeake Children’s Museum  
Sight and Sound Theater
Jan Brett
Highlights Magazine
Bertucci's Italian Restaurant
Aberdeen Ironirds
Historic Ships in Baltimore 
Redbox
Origami Owl with Amanda Johnson
Pinkclyx
Open Door Cafe
Scholastic Books
Ellies Beautiful Bows
The Cheesecake Factory
31 with Rachel Myers
PinkEpromise
Woodhall Wine Cellars
Tracy Parron Photography
Delaware Children’s Museum
Little Huckleberry 
Green Mountain Coffee
Boyle Buick 
31 with Jenn Flory
Chuck E Cheese Bel Air 
Bengies Drive In Theatre 
Forest Hill Lanes
Coffee Coffee
Flavor Cupcakery
My Gym Bel Air
Healthbridge Chiropractic 
Fundamentals  
The Pampered Chef with Colleen Cornacchione 
Pure Romance by Melissa N 
Texas Roadhouse Fallston 
Center Stage 
Pink Zebra with Karen Hildebrandt 
Lil B's Pretties  
Jarrettsville Creamery and Deli
Jamberry Nails with Dani Lynn 
Kiddie Crusoe 
31 with Lisa Yingling 
Bel Air Honda
A3 Studio Kids 
Pampered Chef with Michelle Cissel 
TZ Burps 
Taylor Made Contracting
API Auto Repair
Advanced Eye Care
31 with Stacy Parlett
Massage Envy Bel Air 
Northern Chesapeake Insurance
Ticket Liquidator
Scentsy with Chrystie Crawford-Smick
Linganore Winecellars
Saxons Diamond Centers
Fire and Ice White Marsh Mall
Red Lobster Bel Air
Outback Canton
Bob Bauer, Affinity Mortgage
Schwans 
Sweet Mallowy Love 
Kristian Marie Photography 
Get Hooked 

 

But nothing happened...

Yesterday was a hard day for me.  I broke down and sobbed for the first time in a long time.  But nothing happened.  There wasn't an "event" that took place that reminded me of Elise or that I wish she was here for.  It was a completely normal day, but just out of nowhere, all of a sudden, I couldn't contain myself.  I have been thinking about Elise a lot lately, working on her Birthday Bingo, which I can't believe I haven't written about on here yet...that is now high on my priority list.  I spent the morning doing some things for the Bingo, playing with Ella, catching up on Facebook and so on.  Ella had been sick with a fever (double ear infection it turns out) for the last week and this morning she actually climbed up on my lap and feel asleep at 11:30 am.  I enjoyed the snuggle time for a bit then put her in her bed.  I decided to get online and work some more on the Bingo and goofing off elsewhere.  There was a post from a gal, I have no idea who she is or where she is, I am just a fan of her page offering to do a pencil portrait of loved ones that had passed.   I pulled up Elise's pictures and sent her one.   The thought of having something "new" of Elise is always bittersweet.  I am continually amazed and humbled by the number of people out there who offer to do such things for others.  Often, they have had a loss themselves and can relate in their own way to how I and others long for anything to honor our loved one.  I'm sure looking through her pictures stirred up emotions I didn't realize at the time.  I love seeing her, but at the same time I am sad to only have the same handful of pictures of her.  I'm sad that I can't share her "real" pictures because of how "beat up" she looked.  I'm sad she died.  I'm sad that there are people out there who judge me for how I deal with my grief.  I'm sad there are people out there who can relate to my grief.  But then, I'm happy there are so many out there who support me the best way they know how.  I'm happy I get to write this blog and try to help others who may be feeling the same way.  I'm happy to have my very own angel.  I'm happy to know I will see her again one day.  I'm happy that I have 4 amazing children here on earth with me everyday.  It's quite the conundrum!  Anyway, very seldom does my grief get the best of me, but sometimes it does.  And that's OK.  I am OK with it.  I deal with it and move through it and go on the best way I know how...

Christmas Preparations

We decorated our tree tonight.  Each of the kids have their own ornaments and they put their own up as well as some of mine (my grandmother used to make us ornaments every year, so I have a TON!) and some "family" ones also.  Even Ella was able to participate this year.  She is only 2, so she only has a few ornaments of her own, but there were plenty for her to put on.

Elise would be 3, she should be putting her own ornaments on.  Instead it is up to one of us to do it.  

This is an ornament I received from the hospital where she was born at their 

October 15 Celebration in 2009.  I wrote her name on it

 

I had this ornament made with her birth stats.  Every baby needs one of these!  

This one is of an angel on a cloud. 

 

 We all have balls with our names and birth year on them...

 

This is our family ornament...

  

Of course she has a stocking also.  Her's contains a book about Angels and 

letters that I write to her every year.

The holidays are always so bittersweet.  I find myself enjoying them more and more each year, which often times turns into guilt, that I'm not missing her enough, but I know that is all in my head.  I miss her every single day.  There are points in time that the grief is overwhelming and then there are times when her memory brings me great pride and happiness.  But I think it is those moments when I catch myself enjoying something, like decorating the tree, and am not actively thinking of her until something reminds me that it hits me hard.
If I've learned nothing else over the last 3 years, it is to allow myself to feel what I do without judgement.  This journey I am on is mine alone.  Others have walked a similar path and can relate, others have not and can not.  Many walk beside me with love and support, but in the end, it is all on me and I must allow the emotions that come to do so without interference and move through them.  I am learning each day how to embrace some of them and let go of others, but it is still something I struggle with.

I started writing this the night we did it, obviously, but the words were not coming, so I had to put it aside for a while (as I do with many posts, unfortunately)  During this time I had our Christmas Cards made and I thought I'd share that with you as well...

The top middle is a picture of the marker in the yard with Elise's name and date beside the tree we planted for her.  The bottom right was taken this October 15 when we lit a candle for Elise and the "Wave of Light".  I also include her name on anything I give/send from the family.  As I've said before, she was, is, and always will be a member of our family!

Worth Repeating

I have so many new followers on Facebook, I am so grateful for the support!  I wanted to take a moment to highlight some of the blog for you/them.  I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing from start to end, it is rather depressing and upsetting, not to mention time consuming.  Yet, I know there are some folks who have done just that, some more than once and I am humbled by your choice to take this journey with me.  For everyone else, I thought I'd lay out some of the basics for you here real quick.

The blog came to be as an extension of my Facebook page.  I had joined Facebook just 2 months before Elise was born, so I was still very "into" it.  I, of course, had many status updates about my pregnancy and my grief, but I also shared MANY "notes" about what I was going through.  I had wanted to make a blog for Elise for a long time, but was worried I wouldn't be able to tend to it as I'd like.  I haven't and that upsets me, it's like a visual reminder of the lack of time I can purposely devote to her, but I am OK with it.  I forgive myself for it.  I started the blog just shy of 2 years after losing Elise.  As of today it has been around for almost 2 years itself.  I took all those Facebook notes and copied them over as entries on the blog.  Many are songs or poems or other "borrowed" writings that you can look through at your leisure, if you so desire.  Maybe one day I'll put the all into 1 blog post too.  I'll add it to my list of drafts.

But for now, onto the topic at hand:


Obviously it all starts with Elise's Birth Story, the day I thought I was going into labor to have my fourth child 4 weeks early...I wrote it just 2 days after delivering Elise, it is filled with raw emotion yet I attempted to stay focused on the facts.

Four days later was Elise's Memorial.

Two weeks later, I wrote about how I was feeling.

During this week I finished grad school.  I did my exit Interview and turned in my final project.  I knew I was cutting it close with Elise's due date just a week away, but I had hoped and prayed she would wait until the day after my Interview to be born...So, Now what?

Just another short week later was Elise's Due Date.

Then all of a sudden it was two months later.

This is a post I made at almost five months later.

And then I announced my pregnancy with Ella.

Before I knew it it was 6 months later.

Autumn, my 5 year old,  puts things in perspective.

As the new year (2010) approached, I asked my friends for help...

Nine months later, I almost missed it!

This year, Good Friday came before her "angelversary".

We celebrated Elise's first Angelversary by releasing butterflies with friends and family.

Here, 2 years later, I reflect on the actual day Elise died.

On her second Angelversary I shared some new media.

Emily, Mike and I went to hear Dr. Joanne Cacciatore speak courtesy of The Sweet Pea Project on April 6, that year.  It was such an amazing evening, I still haven't finished writing the blog entry about it, BUT just a few days later, we, the kids and I, released butterflies we raised for Elise near her tree.

I spent the next 6 months working almost non-stop on Elise's Event for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Here, I reflect on the event.

Unfortunately, not much has been written on here since then.  I don't even have the post for her third angelversay, where we released lanterns, finished and published.  Boy, that really hits hard.  I spend a lot of my "Elise" time back on Facebook and the page for the blog, but I really need to get those things back over here again.  I'll put that too on my list of things to do...

Reflecting on October 15, 2012

I posted last year, after Elise's Event, about my history with International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (October 15), but I want to take some time to "update" on how I saw things this year.
First of all, I am overwhelmed, grateful, and humbled by all the support I was shown.  People I barely know or haven't seen in years lit candles for me and Elise.  It meant so very much to me.  Friends gathered with me to share their babies over dinner, other friends sent messages, posts, and more to let me know they were thinking of me.  Elise is loved.  Her life is remembered!  How awesome is that?!?!
Second, the number of people who spoke out about the day was completely amazing!  Of course there were those, like me, who speak out often and I "expected" to see their posts and their pictures.  But then there were so many more...People speaking of losses I didn't know about (maybe no one or only a very few people knew)...People who have never experienced a loss supporting those who have...I am still in awe!
I want to thank you for reading this, for sharing in my journey, for helping to keep the memory of my little girl alive.  She was never able to breathe the air in this world, but she has made an impact on it.  I am so blessed to have been given the privilege to be her mommy.  Naturally, I would love to still be ignorant to the fact that not all pregnancies end with healthy, living babies, but if I had to endure the pain, it is somewhat reassuring to know that it is helping others.
I've shared these pictures on Facebook, but want to get it on here as well.  It is Elise's candle from last year, along with others candle's and some "new" names...

Ella's Baptism Part 2

As I sit at my desk to write this, there is a picture of Elise to my right.  It doesn't "belong" here, it is just where it was sat after Autumn took it to school for her "about me" project the first week.  It was never put back away.  I like to think it's a sign.  I find signs all the time.  Maybe I make them up, for comfort, but comfort they bring so I cling to them.
This day has weighed heavily on my mind.  All the pieces have fallen into place so perfectly.  When I finally decided it was Ella's time to be baptized and knew who I wanted to do it, he agreed.  When we tried to pick a date last Spring, we couldn't coordinate between him, myself and Ella's Godparents.  When I knew the date I wanted in the Fall, there was already another commitment on my calendar, but  it ended up being changed and this date fit perfectly!  16 years ago on Sunday, September 15, my oldest daughter Emily was baptized at 3 months old.  I just knew Ella's had to be either the 15th or the 16th.  My dad was supposed to schedule surgery for sometime this month and I was able to talk him into waiting until after his birthday (September 14), not yet knowing if I would be able to have her Baptism this weekend or not.  It turns out he may not need the surgery as immediately as thought anyway (thank the Lord!).  The date fell into place. 
When I announced the date, there was drama.  Yes, it bothered me that people are so quick to jump to conclusions and create drama about such a special event, but I'm over it, really over it all.  And now with my grandmother's passing less than 2 weeks ago, it seems even more ridiculous for the drama to be around.  But it is NOT MY problem, it is theirs.
As usual, I have been so busy with life, so much has happened in the last few weeks with the kids' school, my mommy group, Autumn's early Birthday party, and the above mentioned events, I haven't really had time to think about the actual Baptism.  But now it is hitting me.  The sheer number of people who are attending to show their love and support is overwhelming.  I am so humbled by their encouragement.  But now that the day is here, it dawns on me what will happen.  My 2 year old will be baptized, by the same man and in the same manner as my newborn baby who died before living outside my body was.  I barely remember Elise's baptism, but what if seeing him do Ella's brings it back.  Will it make me smile or cry?  Probably both.  I wouldn't have this done any other way, but I am scared to death and will truly cherish those in attendance who understand and do not judge.
Again, it is that realization that if Elise did not die, Ella would not be here.  They are both my children, I love them equally, but not the same.  I wouldn't trade either one for the other.  My circumstances are what they are and I no longer wallow in pitty over it, but rater embrace it and cherish it for what it is, for who it has made me and for how lucky I am to be the voice of not just Elise, but of other stillborn babies and grieving mothers.
I know that Elise and the Lord will be present in my house today.  I know that they will both give me strength to feel the range of emotions that will undoubtedly flow through me both during and after this celebration.  I just know that, like most things, I will be too busy dealing with the details of the event to actually experience it until it is over and all is quiet again.  I will miss my daughter a little bit more today and tonight, but I will have comfort in knowing that the Lord is taking care of us all and again, that I have such an amazing support system in place to help me through it.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.  There will be more I'm sure.  There already is more I want to say, but neither the Lord or Elise are going to be cooking food or cleaning the house for Ella's baptism and even though I know my friends would have gladly, OK, maybe not gladly, come help if I had asked them too, I didn't. :)
Oh, and so many of you reading will not be in attendance today, but know that I am still aware of your support and encouragement.  You all mean so much to me and I thank Elise all the time for the people she has brought into my life and those that she has brought closer to me than before.  I know who you are and I thank you!!!

Ella's Baptism

It just wasn't very important for me to have Ella baptized when she was born.  I don't know why, I don't even think there was a reason why, really.  I guess I just had enough going on with a new baby, grief, marriage, 3 other children, etc, it just wasn't very high on the priority list.  We weren't big church goers, I don't even have a church that I call home.  All four of my children were baptized a different religion...the oldest, Lutheran, the middle, Catholic, the boy, Methodist, and Elise, non denominational.  Yes, she was baptized in the hospital the night I delivered her...I'd pay money, and a lot of it, to have a recording of that now.  The hospital sent in the Chaplin on call to speak with us and he asked if we wanted her baptized.  We liked him a lot.  We asked him to officiate her Memorial Service later that week, Good Friday to be exact, and he did.  Almost everyone in attendance commented on how wonderful he was.  I wanted him to Baptize Ella.  I thought it would be fitting.  I asked and he said yes!  The hardest part was coordinating a date between him, her Godparents and us, but we finally have it set and I can't wait!
I wish there wasn't so much drama surrounding it.  Why a single person has felt the need to continually create drama about it is beyond me.  But it is what it is and I can't change others, so I move forward knowing that the people who love Ella and support me will be there for her on her special day.
I'm not big on mailing out invitations anymore.  I just don't have the time to get them made, address them and mail them.  Am I lazy, maybe, but busy seems more like it!  There are a few people who I do need to mail an invitation to.  Most of them are out of town and not easily accessible online, so I bought some blank notecards with a cross on the front and figured I'd just print an invitation to put inside.  I did a quick search for ideas and found this quote, not once, but TWICE:

May the Lord give His angel 

charge over you,

to guide you in all your ways.

Psalm 91:11

Maybe I'm crazy, but it took my breath away.  I don't care if I'm crazy, I like thinking that you are indeed watching over us all.  So drama or no drama, I'm going to bed with hope in my heart that Elise will be there with us as Pastor Nick baptizes her baby sister in just over a month.  

If you are local and reading this, you are welcome to join us.  I only officially invited  my family and immediate friends, but anyone who would like to attend is welcome.  The support from my friends is truly amazing and the only thing that keeps me going some days!